You have a vocation...? My arse!


Am I most jealous of people who know from the get-go what they are going to do in life? The kid who instinctively knows he or she wants to be a vet, concert pianist, architect or pilot and seemingly glides into his or her chosen life path. The rest of us stumble across jobs both weird and wonderful but as far from youthful aspirations as you can get. Do kids fantasise about being an arbitrageur, systems analyst, account manager, VAT inspector or Border Control/Customs Official as opposed to firemen, nurses and astronauts? Proctologists really worry me. I cannot believe that among the fresh faced interns at Med school there's a clutch of them burning with desire to spend their working day with their digit stuck up a strangers butt. Indeed if there were such people, counselling is what they need rather than medical training. Nope I suspect many proctologists flunked their first choice. "Sorry, grades not good enough for brain, cosmetic or heart surgery but there is an opening (in more than one sense) in the proctology department". Shock, horror, forlorn look on student. "It's not so bad...though no one wants to shake your hand. The pay is stratospheric and you don't take your work home with you." Job sold!

...and another thing

As a fresh faced 17 year old still at school I was introduced to the Career’s Officer…. with disastrous results. This self-important oaf crushed the creative desires of many young men. How many aspiring artists, designers, writers or cameramen were blandly pointed towards being an Accountant, Lloyds Insurance Broker, Barrister of (if your shoe size matched your IQ), joining the Army.

“Have you considered your skill set, my boy,” the hunched figure demanded having glanced at my CV; no doubt about to comfort me and explain that in his expert view, a career in stockbroking beckoned.

“I have sir. I can confidently say my first, and indeed only choice is to become an heir.”

Let me confirm one thing. If you’re thinking about becoming a Careers Officer, it is a pre-requisite to have God remove your humour chromosome. I got the cane for being insolent. Instead he should have seen the heady mixture of insouciance, laziness and feckless behavior made me ideal for being a blogger.

...and another thing

Of course careers can sometime choose you due to a personality trait. A small minded sadist is a natural Traffic Warden, someone with no dress sense a TV Weather Forecaster, halitosis a Wall Mart Greeter or if you have the vapid personality of a paper cup, you’ll make the perfect Morning TV Anchor. However I never fail to be impressed by the airheads that achieve celebrity with no discernible talent (apart from if you shouted in their ear you’d get an echo).

I am not a religious man but if I were, God must have a thigh-slappingly good sense of humour. How else do you explain Kim Kardashian, Vanna White or anyone on Jersey Shore?

Stupidity has its own reward, (Goofy, Dopey and Ryan Seacrest being three good examples) but I’m not sure what message we are sending out to those on the bottom rung of the career ladder……except it ain’t one ladder. You can change at any time and by far the happiest people I know are those who gave up one career to do something else…and I don’t mean unemployment.

So, if anyone has any suggestions for my next career, just add a comment to my blog….and whoever writes the funniest one gets put up in lights as star letter of the week. If you’re a telemarketer, toll booth operator or even a proctologist……maybe it’s time for a career change?

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  1. Bette Anne says:

    Hows about replacing Boris Johnson as Home Secretary?….after inheriting his scorched earth you’ll appear down right statesman-like!

  2. james bradbum says:

    I can’t work out whether my leanings towards sporting a purple rubber glove and giving patients my fat forefinger is preferable to being a Catholic priest. I need careers advice please.

  3. Sarah says:

    This week I was asked about my “background”- did I come from the academic sphere or industry… Good grief! Imagine her disappointment when I said neither. May be a future topic for your blog! Tax agent to pilot; lorry driver to banker….

    Love your blogs.

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