Excuse me, I think you’ll find this is my nuclear shelter

Why...

Of all the businesses thrown up by our world’s increasing fear of impending Armageddon is my favourite for sheer absurdity …ordering your own private nuclear shelter? A snip at around $1million. In Mel Brooke’s wonderful film and musical ‘The Producers’, impresario Max Bialystock keeps selling many multiples of the maximum 100% investment in his new play to unwary investors. “Congratulations you own 75% of Springtime for Hitler…Congratulations you own 60% of Springtime for Hitler…Congratulations you have made a very wise purchase and now own 90% of Springtime for Hitler…” hoping his play would be a flop so he would never have to repay the investors and keep all the oversubscribed funds himself. Whoever investigates loss of profits on a flop? I can hear Max’s pitch. “Congratulations. Here at Fall out Haven, your own super secure home awaits you should the worst happen. Don’t be left behind, become one of the ultimate in-crowd, as you sure as hell don’t want to be out there. With your own personal supply of tinned food and a mountain of Twinkies (the snack cake’s alleged shelf life being infinite) you can wait out eternity in comfort. Due to the unprecedented demand, payments need to be made in full. Make sure of your future with an investment in the present.” These shelters are apparently selling like hot cakes across the Bible belt in the USA. So let me get this straight. Nuclear bombs start dropping like hailstones and the proud owner and family manages to get to the refuge only to find a string of others all with the same key to the only completed bunker. Just exactly what are you going to do? Sue someone? I would imagine the legal system of lawyers and courts might be temporarily out of service, as well as any banking system to pay restitution, let alone the police to make any arrests. If I was a Max Bialystock type of developer I’d have long ago escaped to my own private island far away from the nuclear winter, or decided it is better to be burned to a crisp like the rest of us, having at least enjoyed a bunch of money until the fateful day. In any case I would rather stick needles in my balls than spend years locked in a tomb with a bunch of other self-absorbed short sighted fools who no doubt would be arguing about how this never would have happened if the right President had been voted in and Jesus had done less turning the other cheek and more smiting the enemy.

...and another thing

If anyone is interested I am selling my wine cellar to the highest bidder. It will come complete with numerous bottles of fine wine, a massive supply of DVDs and two pugs as guard dogs to keep any unwelcome zombies out.

...and another thing

If I was looking to invest in the future on the basis we are still going to be around, I think I would be pouring money into tattoo removal. When gravity hits and the roses on Cheryl Fernandez-Versini’s delightful derriere start to look like they are wilting or one of Lady Gaga’s fourteen tattoos merge into one, the queue for their removal will be longer and more tearful than a best actress Oscar acceptance speech.

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4 Comments

  1. Avatar Stuart Graber says:

    Hi Mark,

    Love your blogs but is there something that can be done to limit your promos and reminders to just one prompt. I’ve received about (30) messages today? Must be a problem somewhere at your end?
    Anything you can do to alleviate the barrage short of my canceling my subscription would be greatly appreciated.

    Best,

    Stuart

    • Mark Grenside Mark Grenside says:

      Everyone has been sent an apology. It was just a glitch this week. I hope it hasn’t spoiled your enjoyment of today’s post. Thanks for your support.

  2. Avatar Peter says:

    What any shelter needs is company. Remember the last scene in ” Dr. Strangelove” Now if you had Cheryl with or without her tattoo …!!

  3. Avatar Paola says:

    andanothergoodone !