All posts in category: Life

It’s an ATM not a Nintendo game boy

Why...

Do I seem to always be queueing at an ATM with someone who seems to be playing a game on the console? Just put the card in and take out the money! Maybe people miss the interaction with a bank teller? For all I know they could be typing in ‘Good morning, how are your kids/cats/bunions?’ All I see is cards go in, lots of typing, staring at the screen, then reading slips of paper… only to repeat the whole process all over again with another card. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Maybe I am the mad one expecting people just to extract money from an ATM rather than a prolonged electronic dialogue.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Hmmmm. A gorgeous hint of bullshit, with on-the-palate flavour of Edward Lear nonsense poems and a strong aftertaste of swallowing a quaalude and The Complete Oxford dictionary. Welcome to tasting notes on wine and spirits

May 8, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Life
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Are descriptions of taste so pompous and indecipherable? I read recently that a wooden cask tub of Macallans Whisky, which was bought for £5,000 thirty years ago on a whim of I suspect some rich dipso, has just sold for over £1m! To justify this ludicrous bar bill, that works out at around £2,000 a bottle, the descriptions of the taste have reached epic proportions of nonsense. Can anyone really tell me what… “a yellow halo with a mesmerising nose with a scent of salted caramel drizzled chocolate brownie restrained with a background of fresh orange marmalade and neroli with a dying hint of tobacco leaf” really smells like? To me it stinks like an Oreo cookie covered in Robertson finest Golden Shred marmalade, sprinkled with fag ends. And that’s just the smell. The rapturous pretentious waffle goes into overdrive when describing the taste; I dare you to read this and take it seriously. “On the palate waves of sweetness carries and mingles mature oak and library leather bound book dryness. This breaks into a regal spice mix of nutmeg ginger and ground coriander, over a wash of ginger perkin biscuits, soft buttery dates and freshly baked Danish apricot pastries.” (London The Times 27 April 2022) A perkin biscuit? WTF is that? I mean, just line up six whiskies and tell me which one they are referring to. “I say, Cedric, I think it might be this one though I not sure if the spice mix is regal enough and I think sweaty sock juice mingled with old leather football boots more apt than library books.” What makes my jaw hit the floor in admiration at the effusive nonsense is the ingredients of scotch are simply malted barley, water and yeast. And yet it reads here that someone tipped half the content of the unused drawer in the kitchen into the still used to ferment the whisky. The people who write this tripe I assume double as Real Estate novelists. The people who describe bathrooms as bijoux when you have to stand on the loo to shut the door.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

🎶 Here comes summer … or does it?

May 1, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Is the weather schizophrenic? Winter this year has behaved like the house guest who outstays his or her welcome. I have to admit that summer 2021 was hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants, therefore I was relieved for the respite of a winter chill. However, it’s now the beginning of May , yet Nanook of the North would have pulled on extra clothing over Easter here in Malta. Grey skies, a wind that could yank the eyebrows off your face and rain horizontal enough to win a limbo dance competition. Today the sun is shining but according to the forecast, it’s a deception worthy of David Copperfield (the magician, not the Dickens character). In a few days time, the temperature is set to drop low enough to make my pubic hair crackle; so the Ambre Solaire will go back in the cupboard and out will come my hot water bottle.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I never know what to put in each recycle bin

April 10, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do I have so many types of garbage bins when I deeply suspect it all goes into one galopata galopata machine anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I am doing my best to save the planet, whether it means only cleaning my belly button with a Q-tip once a month, or recycling my dogs poop by tossing it over the wall onto my next door neighbours’ geraniums. But bins? I have a battalion of these things standing to attention outside my door. The list is endless. Bins for bottles without screw top collar, sacks for those with them… and then subdivided between clear green and brown. 6 just for glass. Life is all receptacles for spectacles, crates for ash from grates, containers for retainers, hoppers for party poppers and repositories for suppositories. The subdivision for rubbish has gone mad. Surely what burns easily and is non synthetic like paper, real food, clothing and coffee grinds in one and synthetics like plastic, tin and any takeaway food in the other… and maybe one for glass.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Love me, love my dog

January 30, 2022
Animals/Pets Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life Sex
View all 1 Comment

Why...

When you come to my house do I suggest you don’t criticise my dogs as I won’t judge your children (at least not out loud).

Now I completely accept some people don’t like dogs... in the same way I accept that some people believe Elvis Presley is alive, well and riding Shergar across Area 51.

The thing about dogs is their love is unconditional. Even Hitler’s pet Alsatian Blondi no doubt thought Adolf a loveable chap who fed him scraps and gave him a splendid kennel complete with a swastika weathervane. That pooch was always pleased to see Mein Fuhrer, even after a hard day’s genocide.

In fact dogs are the ultimate sycophants. They laugh at your jokes, look at you admiringly, even perform tricks on demand... of course in return they expect to get food and shelter.

Dogs have indeed come a long way from their wolf forebears and many are more metrosexual with clipped nails and smart coats than flea infested hunters of old. In fact were man to become extinct in a haze of radioactive mushroom clouds, I’m afraid man’s best friend would follow pretty shortly afterwards.

The idea that Pepe the Chihuahua would survive in a post apocalypse world is farcical unless the radiation allows him to develop thumbs to open any tins of Kanga Chunks that he might uncover in the ruins of the post atomic blast.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Lost & Found… but we keep it anyway

Why...

Is getting back stuff you have lost so difficult? Yes, I understand that my i-Phone and i-Pad should be attached to my wrists with a piece of string, just like a toddler’s gloves. I do have a tendency to lose things… A LOT. However, recently I left my i-Pad on a Turkish Airline flight that had to connect via Ataturk (Istanbul) Airport. I left the i-Pad on the plane that landed in Ataturk from Malta and noticed it missing on the plane to Sofia, my final destination. So far, so stupid. Rang the airline. Hooray they have found it. To confirm it was mine they asked for the access code to turn it on. I gave it to them. “When are you coming to collect it from Lost and Found?” I replied I was not coming back though Ataturk so could I send a courier to collect. “No. Lost and Found is airside (i.e. after customs/immigration control) so you have to collect yourself.” Having a Lost and Found at an airport that you can only physically pick up yourself if travelling is as logical as a chocolate tea-pot. In addition, my insurance company declined to pay out a loss as the item was in fact recovered. Now if I was a cynical chap, I might think this is part of a cunning plan. You lose an item on a plane, you hand over the access code to show it is yours, they know you are unlikely to collect and before you can say Ebay, it’s for sale… but that would be a terrible thing to suggest…….

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Resistance is futile... I will dress like a pimp from a blaxploitation movie

Why...

Do certain pastimes creep up on me as I get older? Golf is a great example. Forty years ago the whole clubby, cliquey, smug aroma of joining a club and spending eons smacking a little white ball around manicured lawns represented everything the young urchin in me hated. I refused ever to pick up a golf club, wanting the world to know I was kicking against the pricks in every sense of the word. I would rather have entered Richard Nixon than a golf club. Then a few years ago a virus struck down many of my friends who suddenly started not only playing the game but wearing tartan V neck sweaters and trousers, accompanied by white flat caps and checkered leather shoes that Cab Calloway would have been proud of. They even started drinking gin. Fortunately around that time I met my beloved wife. In an earlier life she had dated a professional golfer and it had put her off the game for life. I was safe. However a dear friend and his wife came to visit recently and both are avid golfers. As I listened to them ramble on about such arcane terms such as nibblets, bogies and my particular favourite an Adolf Hitler; (two shots in a bunker), I suddenly said: "That sounds great." Time stood still. You can't unring that bell. My wife instead of getting up and looking for a rolling pin to shuffle my teeth added: "There is only one course here in Malta!"

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Why are super strength bin liners as thin as a condom and with all the strength of wet rice paper?

Why...

Are bin liners so weak?

Every pack of bin liners my wife buys has packaging screaming, super strong, extra strength, tear proof. The Superman of black bags... yet unravel the roll and instead you get an anaemic Clarke Kent sack that will tear if you fill it with only cotton candy.

I assume ‘normal’ strength bags are so fragile they are only suitable to stick wishes and dreams into.

Is there no scale of strength for refuse bags? A minimum level of actually being able to hold something heavier than a ping pong ball?

There you go EU bureaucrats! Do something more useful than determining the curvature of a banana and give minimum strength requirements to bin bags.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

My pet is a drug dealer

January 31, 2021
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Life Technology
View all 4 Comments

Why...

does my beloved dog get prescribed Prozac easier than me? It seems pets have far easier access to grade 'A' drugs than humans. My pug has been known to bark and the effect of our entire house going into packing cases and being shipped to Malta, now has him in paroxysms of fury. To be fair his eyesight is a bit dodgy and maybe at 13 years old he imagines all the tall wooden cases are people. ( As for the dogs thinking my friends are wooden...well that's a worry at a different level). So to calm his anxiety he has been proscribed Prozac. Who knows... if it gets worse maybe Xanax? He sure has taken on a calm 'Jack Nicholson-like' insouciance now. He's even relaxed and laid back as I prepare his food. Before he used to jump and pirouette in wild anticipation of the plate. Now he just watches looking at me as if to say: " Yeah, OK, Mark. Looks good, bro.Can I check those ingredients? No mono sodium glutamate, no artificial preservatives, contains 80% meat. Perhaps a glass of Pinot Noir with that?" When he and his younger brother go to the park I understand why other dogs come up to him so enthusiastically. They all think he's carrying! No barking, just a wry grin. I can almost hear him saying to the gathered crowd of fellow dogs: "Isn't that grass so green today? Hey, like what you did with your fur...Nice lead....., your owner still going through a bad divorce? Stressed? You should try these. Two bones a pill. Trust me. You'll just glide through the day....."

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

Why...

As I turn my focus from the actual size of my stomach to what I intend to put in it over Christmas, have I already goofed. In October I made a Christmas cake the size of the heel stone at Stonehenge and Christmas pudding so heavy that when it is engulfed in flaming brandy I will need a crane to bring it to the table. Same for the turkey. Ever since my wife introduced me to the Southern US joy of deep frying an 8lb turkey in under an hour, a big bird presents no problem. So I ordered a 12lb one this year as we expected a dozen for lunch and a house full of guests. Oops! So far Christmas lunch is for four with overseas family unable to take flights to visit us and others here in Malta locked up in lockdown. We cannot even invite strangers as they would be considered outside our bubble! If I was a Supermarket, I would get rid of large boxes of mince pies by selling them individually. Special offer would be ‘Xmas style tiny turkeys’ (chickens) for four people, walnuts in packs of six and Stilton slices. The only large family gatherings are going to be around a Zoom screen rather than a Christmas tree or dinner table.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

November 9, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Be woke? I understand the woke generation are now bleating that a full stop/period is offensive and could be taken as a sign of aggression. Therefore, it must no longer be used in punctuation. Aggression is when Hitler invaded Poland. Or hijacker Leila Khaled who was convicted as a terrorist took over a TWA jumbo jet in 1969. But recently she was invited to San Fransisco State University to address a forum on Gender Justice and Resistance. Did I miss reading about this exchange? “Right. We are taking over this plane. Men to the left aisle, women to the right. Those among you who are gender neutral, we will be letting you disembark.” I don’t think so.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I feel like Benjamin Button. Not only do I wear shorts and sandals but I have started adding fractions to my age.

Why...

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Now you can only go into the bank wearing a mask

Why...

Has common sense been swept away by Covid-19? There was a time if the police stopped your car while out on a date and they found rubber gloves, a mask, duct tape and a chemical suit in the trunk they would suspect you of being right out of CSI. Now you are just a responsible citizen. I stood in line at our fabulous farmer’s market today watching a woman in a mask and gloves take both off to sniff and squeeze at least a dozen melons. Then she replaced her protective gear, happy that she was safe, but all the melons were now toxic. Every store now has a hand pump ready to spit out who knows what on your hands. After a day, my paws look like red swollen baseball mitts. Let alone the fire hazard. This stuff not only is highly inflammable but has no flame. Light up a fag and you may not realise your fist is on fire until your fingers start to go crispy! And shoe shops are utterly mad. You have to try on shoes with half your leg wrapped in an overgrown condom! You can’t see what the shoe looks like and I just don’t see how this avoids anyone catching the dreaded lurgie.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Today’s blog was too good ... You can’t read it

Why...

Am I getting brain fade? I have written these little ditties for over four years now, on over 200 topics ranging from my dog’s television viewing habits to me never being around when moving house. It is getting increasingly challenging to find things to scribble about. Last week whilst driving in the shoal of Malta’s kamikaze drivers I was struck by a subject so ripe that I actually started laughing. For a moment I wondered whether I should stop and write it down or record it into my phone. Nope! No need. It was too funny. How on earth could I forget? Try as I might, I cannot remember it. I even drove down the same road listening to the same songs in the hope the Muse of blogs would reach out and jog my memory. Nothing.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Going going gone...(money and common sense)

June 25, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do my brains turn to mush at auctions? No matter how hard I try, if my wife and I go to an auction, I manage to find something that I cannot possibly live without. The fact I never knew there were such things as Chinese fire alarm sticks, Japanese tangerine bowls, 1850 suppository machines, or opium smokers headrests is irrelevant. Once discovered, life is not worth living without them. Once I have made that leap, I am free-falling into the money pit that is bidding. Now not only is my life incomplete without Winston Churchill's dentures or silver sugar tongs in the shape of a wishbone, but no one else can have it! Even if I promise my wife a limit at auction, seeing someone else outbidding me is as provocative as a Bernie Saunders supporter at a Trump rally. So I end up triumphant paying too much for something that in the cold light of day is as useful as a chocolate teapot (let me know if any readers have one for sale).

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Are you a lockdown fashionista

June 13, 2020
Fasion Health & Beauty Kids/Family/Relations Life
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Has Covid-19 superseded Vogue as the trendsetter of fashion? I suspect less than 0.1% of men have worn a tie over the past ten weeks with bras going the same way. Stilettos, false eyelashes, leather shoes with laces and evening attire have also been banished to the cupboard whereas fashion no-no’s such as the onesie, head band and tracksuit have made a comeback even Sinatra would have been proud of. The most shocking aspect of lockdown is the sudden appearance of facial hair; mostly, though not exclusively, on men. As someone who has sported a well trimmed beard and moustache for a decade, I am amazed at the birds nests many friends have now got stuck on their faces. Even my beloved father-in-law, decorated pilot, Diplomat and US Government Advisor suddenly looks like Uncle Sam with his natty goatee beard! The first question is why?

Is it an act of defiance to the old rules? No more office, suit, tie and hair as slick as a second hand car salesman’s patter? “I am the master of my destiny and phooey to convention like shaving.”
Is it to show the ‘outdoorsman’ in face of lockdown. “Hey Covid-19 I’m Grizzly Adams. I cut down trees with my teeth and drive in masonry nails with my bare hands. Don’t screw with me.”
Or is it simply:

“I cannot be bothered to stay trim and trimmed. What can I binge watch next?” To see if it’s really a fashion statement rather than a whimper, let’s see how much of the facial topiary will survive the ending of lockdown.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

My body is a temple, but to my wife it’s an amusement arcade

Why...

When you read the above did you think of sex? Well in fact that may indeed be the subject of andanotherthingXrated.com but I was referring to something else. My wife likes nothing better than to squeeze blackheads on my back, pull hairs out of my nose and rebuke me about the length of my toenails! I am thankful that I don’t have a hairy back as I suspect the hot wax would be out in an instant. There are times when I feel like one of those monkeys who sit quietly as their partner grooms them. It’s a contradiction to me that I remind myself to compliment my beautiful wife when she has her hair done or buys a new piece of clothing, yet I must remain quiet during these imposed moments of my improvement. The idea I might apply her make-up or pluck her eyebrows would be to invite thermonuclear retaliation! I found it very revealing that during a recent dinner party someone else mentioned how much she enjoyed this semi painful preening process of (in her phrase) ‘doing the pointwork’ on her husband. It was like he was a Grade 2 listed building. Soon others at the table agreed. It seems there is some inbuilt instinct for the female gender to balance out our Alfa male persona by having us submit to this routine ceremony of buffing and fluffing

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Please stop interrupting during video lessons and eat more

May 10, 2020
Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Is a dear friend and teacher more frustrated than a brain surgeon with hiccups? In this new world, teachers are struggling during on-line lessons because of continuous interruption and comments from parents. It seems that when little Johnny is having a problem with algebra or the date of the Battle of Hastings, know-it-all parents cannot wait to chip in with their answer... which in the case of algebra is nearly always wrong. It’s bad enough having to deal with delusional parents during PTA meetings who believe their offspring is the love child of Einstein and Madonna - see earlier post HERE. But to have parents digitally hanging over the teacher’s shoulder is enough to have anyone mainline Clorox. In addition, in some households there is a queue to use the one decent size computer. Dad for porn, Mum for gambling, elder kids for on-line dating, games or movies. Everyone wants the youngest off the machine as quickly as possible. So instead of the rest of the household being on-line themselves, they are constantly operating the only other thing outside of the Internet they continually use; their teeth. Lockdown has turned everyone into elephants in more than one sense. We have grown huge and munch constantly. Many of the locked down are so fed up with long distance relationships, they are moving the fridge to their bedroom.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Pay attention ticket touts

Why...

Do I worry about ticket touts? As we emerge blinking from COVID-19 hibernation, there is much speculation that, like Saul on the road to Damascus, we will be inspired with life changing values. Don’t bet on it! What will we want that touts will worm their way into and supply? Clearly concerts, theatre and sporting events are still some way away. So how can all those touts out there manage to make ends meet, poor lambs. For sure there will be a rush for certain things. Vanity trumps everything. Hair Salons will be inundated. The same goes for Brazilian wax, eyebrow plucking, Botox, manicures, and pedicures. So, touts should be booking appointments and offering to sell them for a premium. Other ‘bookings’ in high demand. Restaurants with plenty of space between tables, or mass raves (for people with plenty of space between their ears). Expect secret underground ticket sales from touts for these parties. I suspect certain men will be desperate for their regular ‘Thai Massage’ complete with happy ending whilst others will simply be desperate for an argument about their sports team with a total stranger. In fact I am amazed that no one has started a website www.iarguewithyou.com. Log on and have a row. You cannot do that if you are manacled to people at home as you have nowhere to slink off to be grumpy on your own or time to cool off.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Three weeks in lockdown and I just got plastered

Why...

Are my best efforts to behave thwarted? After weeks of lockdown and too many visits to the fridge, my wife mentioned if I were to go for a swim in the sea I would be in danger of being harpooned by a Japanese whaling ship. “Your trouser top button is social distancing from the the button hole. Get in the gym.” If you are in lockdown with one person, the most important thing is to avoid friction or it will end like Lizzie Borden giving each other whacks with an axe. I duly pulled on some shorts (with an elastic waistband that was stretched tighter than a banjo string) jumped on my cross trainer, lost my balance and promptly fell off. Instead of burning calories I bust my wrist. If there is a God, she has a pretty rough sense of humour. Luckily it’s my left hand. “Don’t think that means you can’t use the treadmill,” my wife warned after driving me back from hospital. So boring. “I’m not a bloody hamster on a wheel,” I replied. Instead I created snaxercise. Open the fridge, bend down, take out ice cream, stand up, take a scoop, bend down, put back ice cream, close the door, stand up. Repeat thirty times.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Subscribe to my weekly posts

Archives

Recent Posts

Categories

What drives you crazy?

Want to know when I publish the next blog?

All posts in category: Life

It’s an ATM not a Nintendo game boy

Why...

Hmmmm. A gorgeous hint of bullshit, with on-the-palate flavour of Edward Lear nonsense poems and a strong aftertaste of swallowing a quaalude and The Complete Oxford dictionary. Welcome to tasting notes on wine and spirits

Why...

🎶 Here comes summer … or does it?

Why...

I never know what to put in each recycle bin

Why...

Love me, love my dog

Why...

Lost & Found… but we keep it anyway

Why...

Resistance is futile... I will dress like a pimp from a blaxploitation movie

Why...

Why are super strength bin liners as thin as a condom and with all the strength of wet rice paper?

Why...

My pet is a drug dealer

Why...

Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

Why...

This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

Why...

I feel like Benjamin Button. Not only do I wear shorts and sandals but I have started adding fractions to my age.

Why...

Now you can only go into the bank wearing a mask

Why...

Today’s blog was too good ... You can’t read it

Why...

Going going gone...(money and common sense)

Why...

Are you a lockdown fashionista

Why...

My body is a temple, but to my wife it’s an amusement arcade

Why...

Please stop interrupting during video lessons and eat more

Why...

Pay attention ticket touts

Why...

Three weeks in lockdown and I just got plastered

Why...