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All posts in category: Life

Resistance is futile... I will dress like a pimp from a blaxploitation movie

  • March 23, 2021
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Life Sport
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Do certain pastimes creep up on me as I get older? Golf is a great example. Forty years ago the whole clubby, cliquey, smug aroma of joining a club and spending eons smacking a little white ball around manicured lawns represented everything the young urchin in me hated. I refused ever to pick up a golf club, wanting the world to know I was kicking against the pricks in every sense of the word. I would rather have entered Richard Nixon than a golf club. Then a few years ago a virus struck down many of my friends who suddenly started not only playing the game but wearing tartan V neck sweaters and trousers, accompanied by white flat caps and checkered leather shoes that Cab Calloway would have been proud of.  They even started drinking gin. Fortunately around that time I met my beloved wife. In an earlier life she had dated a professional golfer and it had put her off the game for life. I was safe. However a dear friend and his wife came to visit recently and both are avid golfers. As I listened to them ramble on about such arcane terms such as nibblets, bogies and my particular favourite an Adolf Hitler; (two shots in a bunker), I suddenly said: "That sounds great." Time stood still. You can't unring that bell. My wife instead of getting up and looking for a rolling pin to shuffle my teeth added: "There is only one course here in Malta!"

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Why are super strength bin liners as thin as a condom and with all the strength of wet rice paper?

  • February 14, 2021
  • Life Sex Sport Technology
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

Are bin liners so weak?

Every pack of bin liners my wife buys has packaging screaming, super strong, extra strength, tear proof. The Superman of black bags... yet unravel the roll and instead you get an anaemic Clarke Kent sack that will tear if you fill it with only cotton candy.

I assume ‘normal’ strength bags are so fragile they are only suitable to stick wishes and dreams into.

Is there no scale of strength for refuse bags? A minimum level of actually being able to hold something heavier than a ping pong ball?

There you go EU bureaucrats! Do something more useful than determining the curvature of a banana and give minimum strength requirements to bin bags.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

My pet is a drug dealer

  • January 31, 2021
  • Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Life Technology
  • View all 4 Comments
Why...

does my beloved dog get prescribed Prozac easier than me? It seems pets have far easier access to grade 'A' drugs than humans. My pug has been known to bark and the effect of our entire house going into packing cases and being shipped to Malta, now has him in paroxysms of fury. To be fair his eyesight is a bit dodgy and maybe at 13 years old he imagines all the tall wooden cases are people. ( As for the dogs thinking my friends are wooden...well that's a worry at a different level). So to calm his anxiety he has been proscribed Prozac. Who knows... if it gets worse maybe Xanax? He sure has taken on a calm 'Jack Nicholson-like' insouciance now. He's even relaxed and laid back as I prepare his food. Before he used to jump and pirouette in wild anticipation of the plate. Now he just watches looking at me as if to say: " Yeah, OK, Mark. Looks good, bro.Can I check those ingredients? No mono sodium glutamate, no artificial preservatives, contains 80% meat. Perhaps a glass of Pinot Noir with that?" When he and his younger brother go to the park I understand why other dogs come up to him so enthusiastically. They all think he's carrying! No barking, just a wry grin. I can almost hear him saying to the gathered crowd of fellow dogs: "Isn't that grass so green today? Hey, like what you did with your fur...Nice lead....., your owner still going through a bad divorce? Stressed? You should try these. Two bones a pill. Trust me. You'll just glide through the day....."  

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

  • December 14, 2020
  • Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Life
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

As I turn my focus from the actual size of my stomach to what I intend to put in it over Christmas, have I already goofed. In October I made a Christmas cake the size of the heel stone at Stonehenge and Christmas pudding so heavy that when it is engulfed in flaming brandy I will need a crane to bring it to the table.  Same for the turkey. Ever since my wife introduced me to the Southern US joy of deep frying an 8lb turkey in under an hour, a big bird presents no problem. So I ordered a 12lb one this year as we expected a dozen for lunch and a house full of guests. Oops! So far Christmas lunch is for four with overseas family unable to take flights to visit us and others here in Malta locked up in lockdown. We cannot even invite strangers as they would be considered outside our bubble! If I was a Supermarket, I would get rid of large boxes of mince pies by selling  them individually. Special offer would be ‘Xmas style tiny turkeys’ (chickens) for four people, walnuts in packs of six and Stilton slices. The only large family gatherings are going to be around a Zoom screen rather than a Christmas tree or dinner table.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

  • November 9, 2020
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Be woke? I understand the woke generation are now bleating that a full stop/period  is offensive and could be taken as a sign of aggression. Therefore, it must no longer be used in punctuation. Aggression is when Hitler invaded Poland. Or hijacker Leila Khaled who was convicted as a terrorist took over a TWA jumbo jet in 1969. But recently she was invited to San Fransisco State University to address a forum on Gender Justice and Resistance. Did I miss reading about this exchange? “Right. We are taking over this plane. Men to the left aisle, women to the right. Those among you who are gender neutral, we will be letting you disembark.” I don’t think so.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I feel like Benjamin Button. Not only do I wear shorts and sandals but I have started adding fractions to my age.

  • September 27, 2020
  • Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Life
  • View all 2 Comments
Why...

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Now you can only go into the bank wearing a mask

  • August 16, 2020
  • Food & Drink Life Technology
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

Has common sense been swept away by Covid-19? There was a time if the police stopped your car while out on a date and they found rubber gloves, a mask, duct tape and a chemical suit in the trunk they would suspect you of being right out of CSI. Now you are just a responsible citizen. I stood in line at our fabulous farmer’s market today watching a woman in a mask and gloves take both off to sniff and squeeze at least a dozen melons. Then she replaced her protective gear, happy that she was safe, but all the melons were now toxic. Every store now has a hand pump ready to spit out who knows what on your hands. After a day, my paws look like red swollen baseball mitts. Let alone the fire hazard. This stuff not only is highly inflammable but has no flame. Light up a fag and you may not realise your fist is on fire until your fingers start to go crispy! And shoe shops are utterly mad. You have to try on shoes with half your leg wrapped in an overgrown condom! You can’t see what the shoe looks like and I just don’t see how this avoids anyone catching the dreaded lurgie.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Today’s blog was too good ... You can’t read it

  • July 11, 2020
  • Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Life
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

Am I getting brain fade? I have written these little ditties for over four years now, on over 200 topics ranging from my dog’s television viewing habits to me never being around when moving house. It is getting increasingly challenging to find things to scribble about. Last week whilst driving in the shoal of Malta’s kamikaze drivers I was struck by a subject so ripe that I actually started laughing. For a moment I wondered whether I should stop and write it down or record it into my phone. Nope! No need. It was too funny. How on earth could I forget? Try as I might, I cannot remember it. I even drove down the same road listening to the same songs in the hope the Muse of blogs would reach out and jog my memory. Nothing.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Going going gone...(money and common sense)

  • June 25, 2020
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Do my brains turn to mush at auctions? No matter how hard I try, if my wife and I go to an auction, I manage to find something that I cannot possibly live without. The fact I never knew there were such things as Chinese fire alarm sticks, Japanese tangerine bowls, 1850 suppository machines, or opium smokers headrests is irrelevant. Once discovered, life is not worth living without them. Once I have made that leap, I am free-falling into the money pit that is bidding. Now not only is my life incomplete without Winston Churchill's dentures or silver sugar tongs in the shape of a wishbone, but no one else can have it! Even if I promise my wife a limit at auction, seeing someone else outbidding me is as provocative as a Bernie Saunders supporter at a Trump rally. So I end up triumphant paying too much for something that in the cold light of day is as useful as a chocolate teapot (let me know if any readers have one for sale).

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Are you a lockdown fashionista

  • June 13, 2020
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Kids/Family/Relations Life
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

Has Covid-19 superseded Vogue as the trendsetter of fashion? I suspect less  than 0.1% of men have worn a tie over the past ten weeks with bras going the same way. Stilettos, false eyelashes, leather shoes with laces and evening attire have also been banished to the cupboard whereas fashion no-no’s  such as the onesie, head band and tracksuit have made a comeback even Sinatra would have been proud of.  The most shocking aspect of lockdown is the sudden appearance of facial hair; mostly, though not exclusively, on men. As someone who has sported a well trimmed beard and moustache for a decade, I am amazed at the birds nests many friends have now got stuck on their faces. Even my beloved father-in-law, decorated pilot, Diplomat and US Government Advisor suddenly looks like Uncle Sam with his natty goatee beard! The first question is why?

  • Is it an act of defiance to the old rules? No more office, suit, tie and hair as slick as a second hand car salesman’s patter? “I am the master of my destiny and phooey to convention like shaving.”
  • Is it to show the ‘outdoorsman’ in face of lockdown. “Hey Covid-19 I’m Grizzly Adams. I cut down trees with my teeth and drive in masonry nails with my bare hands. Don’t screw with me.”
  • Or is it simply:
“I cannot be bothered to stay trim and trimmed. What can I binge watch next?” To see if it’s really a fashion statement rather than a whimper, let’s see how much of the facial topiary will survive the ending of lockdown.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

My body is a temple, but to my wife it’s an amusement arcade

  • May 15, 2020
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Life Love
  • View all 2 Comments
Why...

When you read the above did you think of sex? Well in fact that may indeed be the subject of andanotherthingXrated.com but I was referring to something else. My wife likes nothing better than to squeeze blackheads on my back, pull hairs out of my nose and rebuke me about the length of my toenails! I am thankful that I don’t have a hairy back as I suspect the hot wax would be out in an instant. There are times when I feel like one of those monkeys who sit quietly as their partner grooms them. It’s a contradiction to me that I remind myself to compliment my beautiful wife when she has her hair done or buys a new piece of clothing, yet I must remain quiet during these imposed moments of my improvement. The idea I might apply her make-up or pluck her eyebrows would be to invite thermonuclear retaliation! I found it very revealing that during a recent dinner party someone else mentioned how much she enjoyed this semi painful preening process of (in her phrase) ‘doing the pointwork’ on her husband. It was like he was a Grade 2 listed building. Soon others at the table agreed. It seems there is some inbuilt instinct for the female gender to balance out our Alfa male persona by having us submit to this routine ceremony of buffing and fluffing

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Please stop interrupting during video lessons and eat more

  • May 10, 2020
  • Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

Is a dear friend and teacher more frustrated than a brain surgeon with hiccups? In this new world, teachers are struggling during on-line lessons because of continuous interruption and comments from parents. It seems that when little Johnny is having a problem with algebra or the date of the Battle of Hastings, know-it-all parents cannot wait to chip in with their answer... which in the case of algebra is nearly always wrong. It’s bad enough having to deal with delusional parents during PTA meetings who believe their offspring is the love child of Einstein and Madonna - see earlier post HERE. But to have parents digitally hanging over the teacher’s shoulder is enough to have anyone mainline Clorox. In addition, in some households there is a queue to use the one decent size computer. Dad for porn, Mum for gambling, elder kids for on-line dating, games or movies. Everyone wants the youngest off the machine as quickly as possible. So instead of the rest of the household being on-line themselves, they are constantly operating the only other thing outside of the Internet they continually use; their teeth. Lockdown has turned everyone into elephants in more than one sense. We have grown huge and munch constantly. Many of the locked down are so fed up with long distance relationships, they are moving the fridge to their bedroom.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Pay attention ticket touts

  • May 1, 2020
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Life
  • View all 1 Comment
Why...

Do I worry about ticket touts? As we emerge blinking from COVID-19 hibernation, there is much speculation that, like Saul on the road to Damascus, we will be inspired with life changing values. Don’t bet on it! What will we want that touts will worm their way into and supply? Clearly concerts, theatre and sporting events are still some way away. So how can all those touts out there manage to make ends meet, poor lambs. For sure there will be a rush for certain things. Vanity trumps everything. Hair Salons will be inundated. The same goes for Brazilian wax, eyebrow plucking, Botox, manicures, and pedicures. So, touts should be booking appointments and offering to sell them for a premium. Other ‘bookings’ in high demand. Restaurants with plenty of space between tables, or mass raves (for people with plenty of space between their ears). Expect secret underground ticket sales from touts for these parties. I suspect certain men will be desperate for their regular ‘Thai Massage’ complete with happy ending whilst others will simply be desperate for an argument about their sports team with a total stranger. In fact I am amazed that no one has started a website www.iarguewithyou.com. Log on and have a row. You cannot do that if you are manacled to people at home as you have nowhere to slink off to be grumpy on your own or time to cool off.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Three weeks in lockdown and I just got plastered

  • April 9, 2020
  • Life Travel/Nature
  • View all 2 Comments
Why...

Are my best efforts to behave thwarted? After weeks of lockdown and too many visits to the fridge, my wife mentioned if I were to go for a swim in the sea I would be in danger of being harpooned by a Japanese whaling ship. “Your trouser top button is social distancing from the the button hole. Get in the gym.” If you are in lockdown with one person, the most important thing is to avoid friction or it will end like Lizzie Borden giving each other whacks with an axe. I duly pulled on some shorts (with an elastic waistband that was stretched tighter than a banjo string) jumped on my cross trainer, lost my balance and promptly fell off. Instead of burning calories I bust my wrist. If there is a God, she has a pretty rough sense of humour. Luckily it’s my left hand. “Don’t think that means you can’t use the treadmill,” my wife warned after driving me back from hospital. So boring. “I’m not a bloody hamster on a wheel,” I replied. Instead I created  snaxercise. Open the fridge, bend down, take out ice cream, stand up, take a scoop, bend down, put back ice cream, close the door, stand up. Repeat thirty times.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Duck it; shot happens

  • February 27, 2020
  • Friends Life Sex Technology Work
  • View all 3 Comments
Why...

Is Spellcheck watched over by some electronic Mary Poppins? If I search in Google for any number of potentially innocent things such as water sports; adult I am offered an eye-popping smorgasbord of entertainment, many of which have nothing to do with surfboarding, scuba diving or water skiing and are very rude indeed! Yet I am prevented from typing some decent Anglo Saxon swear words in a document without them getting changed or redlined. I can almost hear my iPhone nanny tutting at the vulgarity. The only alternative is to sit with Roger’s Profanisaurus (dictionary of swear words and slang) and insert (ho-ho) every rude word I can think of into to my personal dictionary so I continue to be abusive to my friends…in a language at least they understand!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

If I come to a meeting with clean fingernails and polished shoes, don’t kid yourself, it’s not for you. I have writer’s block

  • February 3, 2020
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Life Technology Uncategorised Work
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Is writing for me sometimes a pleasure and at others a chore? Today I needed to get on with the follow up to my debut thriller Fall Out, called The Bastion. But as is often the case, I am stuck. Of course it’s not directly my fault. My Muse must have deserted me for someone more worthy, or the moon is aligned in such a way that my creative juices are drier than a cinnamon stick. Whatever the cause, anything is better than staring at a blank keyboard. I have just polished all my shoes. Nothing. So polished my belts as well. Still just white noise in my head rather than a new character or plot twist. Cut my nails, tweaked out nose hair, squeezed a few back heads. Zero. I even slung an angry riposte to some fool on Facebook. Still zip. The fool on Facebook made me laugh though. After a fatuous and totally incorrect comment about deer culling that I refuted with an article from the left leaning The Guardian entitled, We must kill Bambi. Why deer culling is a no brainer the response was: “Who asked you for your opinion anyway. Fuck off.” The irony of not understanding when you put your own opinion out into a public forum, by definition invites a response, says a lot about the lack of debate in our social media age. Most bloggers just want their voice heard, not challenged. It’s me me me on a platform that is marketed as us us us!  If I actually understood the origami that is ironing, I might even see if I could attack the pile of shirts that need attention. Tonight we are due out to dinner and I will be as well manicured as a teenager trying to take out the preacher man’s daughter. My host will take it as a compliment. But for me it will be as if Samuel Taylor Coleridge himself had hung the albatross around my neck.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

The joys of becoming an accidental medical tourist

  • January 18, 2020
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology Travel/Nature
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Do I react like a spoiled brat when forced to visit a doctor overseas? I recently returned from a trip to Asia that had me visit four different hospitals within three weeks. With more trepidation than an actress knocking on Harvey Weinstein’s hotel door, I expected to be met in Emergency by a wild eyed shaman, a witch doctor ready to behead a chicken, or a surgeon who looked like Boris Karloff. Instead I was treated to some of the best medical service and equipment I have ever seen! One hospital in Chiang Mai was like walking onto the set of 2001 space Odyssey. In fact I half expected HAL’s voice to greet me. As for the actual medication, no ‘eye of newt, toe of frog’ but drugs even I recognised. Though of course there is always a risk of a Chinese knock off, but I guessed odds were remote at the palaces of medicine I visited. What did catch me off guard was dosage. Nothing had any effect until I rang my own Dr. Frankenstein in London. “That is what you’d give a 12 year old,” which is probably the build of most males in the country. I am a beached whale by comparison. Triple the dose and all was dandy! Now I was lucky. I have insurance and was in Thailand where private hospitals put many in certain countries in Europe to shame. Even the food was so good I put on weight. I now understand why Thailand is not only the paedophiles and perverts destination of choice but now over 2m a year for those in search of medical treatment. You never know... the nurse might be a Ladyboy. I now have got my head around this relatively new phenomenon of medical tourism. With equipment this good and prices between 80% and 50% less than in the West, it starts to make sense. In fact you can save so much money that once treatment is finished you can recuperate in a five star hotel and still be in the money. Furthermore your insurance company is going to send you a thank you letter!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

  • December 26, 2019
  • Friends Life Politics
  • View all 2 Comments
Why...

I saw this the other day and wanted to share it. Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2020, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the West great. Not to imply that any Western country  is necessarily greater than any other country. And without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.  By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.  It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.  It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

My Eyebrows are Silky Soft and my Hair Smells of Listerine

  • December 5, 2019
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Travel/Nature
  • View all 9 Comments
Why...

Hotel room designers must have one thing in common (apart from calling their children Nathanial or Poppy); vision so perfect they could see a flea get a hard on. Even with all the lights on, hotel rooms at night are as dim as a village idiot. It has some very disturbing results. Instead of the bell hop pointing out the bloody obvious like opening a small door and expecting me to be hugely impressed when he says 'fridge' instead of 'hotel cash machine' why can he not explain how the inevitable mishmash of light switches all relate to each other? I am forever getting into bed and hitting some knob that instead of turning the lights out, turns on a hairdryer or activates the TV. Even once I’ve mastered how the actual switches work, the lighting is so bad that my wife insists I bring a flashlight to help with her make-up.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Welcome aboard…. is enough

  • November 14, 2019
  • Food & Drink Life Travel/Nature
  • View all 11 Comments
Why...

"Welcome aboard flight UR OXN flying from Heathrow to Sydney. My name is Sandra and I will be assisted by Dee in First class, Ben and Jerry in business and some trainees I look down on in economy. We understand you have a choice of other airlines and appreciate your custom ........We will be cruising today at 35, 000 feet at approximately 900 kilometres, or 560 miles or 490 knots per hour. First I need you all to pay attention to the safety demonstration, even those amongst you who have flown before…..” And so it begins. Flight attendants have become nannies in the sky, ready to instruct and scold. They know best. So listen up….and just to make you are awake the speakers screech with feedback. Most of us just want to recover from a cavity search after foolishly packing a pair of nail clippers in our hand luggage and watch a movie. The only thing we may ask the cabin staff (whose name is on their badge) is to turn the heating down.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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