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Welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking

Why...

Are people so keen to replace commercial airline pilots with computers?

If I remember correctly the ‘unfailable’ systems of SouthWest airlines failed in June 2021. It was Southwests turn again in December 2022. British Airways and numerous others have also had to severely restrict or halt services due to computer ‘glitches’. Even the rock solid computer system of the Federal Aviation Administration went tits up in January 2023.

So far I don’t recall a single pilot or co-pilot flopping over in the cockpit needing a reboot.

Now that isn’t to say I go all misty eyed about losing usherettes at the Cinema or bus conductors on the Number 72, but frankly I prefer a human being in charge of an aluminium bullet travelling at near 600 mph

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Twenty goes into sixty a lot more times than sixty goes into twenty

Why...

Do the media nearly always portray the old rich guy who gets the trophy wife, rather than the Merry Widow snagging a twenty year old toy boy? Let’s face it, when it comes to old age women have us men beat. Today’s female grey wolves were lucky enough to have bought property fifty years ago for the current price of a Plasma TV screen. When their other half sadly shuffles off the mortal coil some widows will have amassed considerable fortunes. Male goldmines are still hotwired by nature to their groin, so most gold diggers come in one size fits all sugar daddy model; a trout mouth pneumatic busted blond, often with an IQ rating matching their shoe size. There is nothing wrong with that. I always remember the ecstatic grin on the wheelchair bound J.Howard Marshall who married playmate of the year Anna Nicole Smith. But women have a far more eclectic selection process. Obviously fit and toned but this new age toy boy is going to have work hard for the money.

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2023 ... hero or villain?

December 25, 2022
Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

At the beginning of each year, do we go through this ritual inspection of the chicken entrails to reveal the booby traps or goodies awaiting us in the New Year? If you are a sentient being with an IQ bigger than your shoe size, you already know the answer. In sport there will be a couple of upsets, otherwise the usual suspects clean up at everything. Politics and global warming will get hotter and a couple of natural disasters will blight lives. Mid-summer a silly story about some animal being able to perform open heart surgery, play a Beethoven sonata or predict the outcome of a football match will make worldwide headlines. A big rock star will fall off his perch as well as a past-it-sell-by-date TV show will get the ax. Two certainties are the winner of the Best Actress at the Oscars will cry, and then suggest the category is sexist and should just be for best actor.

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🎶 Rudolf the red nose reindeer, 🎵 Had a very shiny nose … due to alcohol and drug abuse?

December 18, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Kids/Family/Relations Sex
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Why...

Are so many nursery rhymes and fairy tales hidden stories of sex drugs and booze? Let’s start with Rudolf. The only way you have a shiny red nose is excessive booze or cocaine; in which case he certainly should not be driving late at night over vast distances and at warp factor speeds. Snow White. So are we really to believe she lives with seven men and no one tries any hanky panky? Then there are the names. Bashful, Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc and Sneezy are all as a result of cocaine. Hence, Snow White. Ah, I see that’s got you all thinking now! We all know Samuel Taylor Coleridge was high as a kite dreaming of Kubla Khan, Xanadu and The Pleasure Dome, when the postman woke him up... only time I suspect he was not happy to have a package delivered. Alice in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass are an absolute drug smorgasbord. Alice is constantly eating magic mushrooms or drinking (laudanum) potions that have a dramatic effect on her. The caterpillar and his (opium) pipe, the white (cocaine) rabbit who is continually and frenetically running about saying he is late, and a cat stoned off his whiskers who simply vanishes.

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I want to be left alone - TV and magazine interviews on exactly why, to follow.

December 12, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Sex Technology
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Why...

Do some people who shriek for privacy, remind me of a quote from Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, me thinks”. In days gone by, certain people really meant it when they withdrew from the limelight. Every female mimic in the world vamps us as Greta Garbo famously saying “Dahlink, I vant to be left alone”. The difference then was the Swedish icon stuck to it. No frantic interviews as to why she wanted to pull away from the public, an oxymoron of an event if ever there was one. She retreated to Manhattan and her art collection. Manhattan! Can you imagine that? No seeking out the paparazzi and in the one of the most publicity hungry cities on earth. At the height of her fame and beauty she had decided to retreat from the world, possibly due to the negative reviews of The Two Faced Woman. She was 36. The title of that failed movie is pretty ironic when you look at the two-faced women since, who have protested their desire for privacy but who continue seeking the limelight and would attend even the opening of a fridge.

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🎶Memories are made of this🎵

December 4, 2022
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Why...

Can nostalgia be dangerous? Brrrm Brrrm! Walking straight onto a plane with no security checks Carrying my speargun as cabin baggage in a plane First and business class transatlantic flights with no beds Airplane tickets made by travel agents only Smoking carriages on the subway/smoking sections on a plane Asking what is the movie on the plane Hovercraft to France Railway carriages with compartments and corridors Going for a Sunday drive 101 Octane Fuel Buses with conductors Driving without a seatbelt Just a radio with a single speaker in the car Spare tyres in cars No speed limits on motorways Electric Milk Floats Parking meters fed with coins

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The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world

Why...

Is Nanny so under appreciated? When I was a nipper, I was lucky enough to have had several people look after me in my early years. My first, Nanny Roberts, was a cross between Margaret Rutherford and a rugby prop forward from Pontypridd in Wales. She was absolutely terrifying complete with white apron and hat like a server from Mickey D. I was always free to question her decisions, but rarely had the temerity to do so. She could probably have made me pee in my pants.But then again I adored her! She foisted upon me manners and life lessons along with traits and hang-ups that still haunt me now. I can still hear her hiss at me “Don’t eat with your mouth open or the tooth fairy might come along one night and pull all your teeth out!” It takes every effort for me not to blurt that out if I see someone munching open mouthed at another table in a restaurant, some sixty years after I last heard her say it. The fact that some expert told Cosmopolitan Magazine ‘that chewing open mouthed may actually help to release more of the volatile organic compounds, contributing to our sense of smell and the overall perception’ would have only confirmed her very dim view of the magazine. But when I was ill or hurt she was the ultimate comforter. And if someone biffed me at school she would make her displeasure known to the offending child’s parents, usually suggesting they get a decent Nanny to pump some manners into their offspring. Having been grilled over my appearance, told to always comb my hair, and forced to wear sensible lace up shoes when going on walks, she at least left me with the ability to tie a bow… let alone a sense of complete shame if my fingernails are dirty. Later on we switched to Au Pair girls, some of whom were breathtakingly beautiful. I remember a blond Danish girl called Bambi who was the spitting image of Julie Christie. I got to spend every evening looking at her with my eyes as wide as an owl’s. She taught me a Danish nursery rhyme that I can still perform at the drop of a Danish bacon sarnie. I cannot repeat with such clarity anything else from that period.

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What will you do over the holiday season?

November 13, 2022
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Why...

Does the impending holiday season now revolve exclusively around my TV? Firstly I should say that while tapping out this blog, the sky here in Malta is blue and the dogs are sunbathing in 22c/72f. Thanksgiving and Christmas are about as far from my mind as next year’s tax bill. However television commercials insist on dragging me away from my balmy reality into the fantasy of snow, turkey, goodwill to all men….and get me to start buying. I really do not understand how these companies who start commercials in November and scatterbomb the schedule for nearly two months with the same message, think this warms viewers to their cause. No matter how brilliant a commercial is, there comes a tipping point when repeated viewing turns into watching it again is worse than nails dragged down a backboard.

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Your title’s too long

Why...

Are the titles of television shows and movies so long? There is a movie on Netflix called The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window. This is the tip of a particularly annoying iceberg that is intent on sinking my ability to search for shows. Nowadays with so many options to watch from Sky, to ITV Hub, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney + Uncle Tom Cobbly and all, I spend most of my time feeding titles into search engines. Fine if you are looking to watch movies like V, It, Up, Z, W or Us but more irritating than nails down a blackboard when it’s The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan or my recent favourite Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 2: In Shocking 2-D (1991)

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For ffff fakes sake

October 10, 2022
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Technology
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Why...

Care about a fake? I note with interest a puff piece in The London Times about the Hollywood nouveau riche hiring Art Consultants. The need is because these well coiffed beings can shuffle their A list clients to the heads of the queue to get a chance to gobble up a piece of art before anyone else. It also makes A listers feel less insecure having someone there to praise or confirm their good taste or have the expert lend Hollywood Royalty some of their own. Really? I agree if you made a few zillion dollars parading around in Spandex with the superpower to create a hurricane by blowing through your nose, you don’t really have much credibility as a Serious Actor; but in the art world, like any other, money is money. If the Hulk is prepared to pay more than a Titan of Wall Street for a scribble and dots by Cy Twombly, let the richest man win. I would lend more credibility to all these art experts were it not for the unfeasibly large amount of fakes or overbid artwork that has been sold to our brave Hollywood friends! As long ago as 1989 Sylvester Stallone sued his art consultant for $5m.(Brave person. I would have been more worried about a jab and a hook rather than a law suit). Steve Martin bought a fake Heinrich Campendonk (crazy name crazy guy) as have hoards of others. It appears these consultants no more protect you from a painting by Pinocchio rather than Pollock as anyone else

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Fill her up with four star, a packet of crisps, a bottle of Bordeaux and a butt plug please

September 18, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Sex Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Does the content mix of goods on display in some stores surprise me? I was recently in a small hillside village in the South of France when I stopped at the local gas station just outside town. It was a small family run business, not part of a major chain. When I went inside to pay, whilst I stood in the queue, I idly looked at the stuff on display. Oil, antifreeze, air freshener, alcohol (it’s France) then came across dildos, a massive butt plug and handcuffs. Enterprising as this may be, I just don’t see if you popped in for a few litres of fuel, you might suddenly decide… “Ah yes, I need a new butt plug.” Conversely, if you did need such toys, the last place I would think of to go and buy them would be my local garage. It’s not as if this was a major artery where long distance lorry drivers would pull in and buy themselves some personal amusement as they slept overnight in the car park. When it came to paying the elderly grey haired lady behind the till, I was so tempted to ask if she stocked any French ticklers. So now I have started to actively look for the unexpected in shops. Amazing. Dr. Scholl’s shoes in my greengrocer’s, rat poison in my office supply shop and ‘Jesus loves you’ ties and ‘Jesus saves’ Band-Aids at the local coffee shop.

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Oh, to be CEO of an energy company

September 13, 2022
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Why...

Am I feeling the teensiest bit envious today? They used to say the definition of rich was when you could not hear your spoon hit the bottom of the caviar jar. This winter in the UK, rich as Croesus will be if you can live in your home without wearing thermal underwear or not sucking on frozen TV meals like ice lollies. Meanwhile the Czars of energy will be taking a dip in their heated swimming pool followed by a nice sauna and a dinner of roasted lark’s tongues and baked Alaska, the country not the pudding. Well, my imagination is a strange thing but you get the picture. Now don’t get me wrong. If you build up a company from scratch, eat nothing but pot noodle and sleep on a bean bag for years, you deserve all the rewards you reap. But common decency also needs to step in. Do you really have to pay yourself £469m per annum (as is alleged for Bet 365 founder Denise Coates)? Greed seems to have made a comeback, making its first appearance in the 1980’s when it meant missing lunch with Gordon Gekko, look like it was a philanthropist. What is more galling is most of these energy companies are not run by the people who created them. Talented as I am sure they are, these are salaried people, whose risk reward ratio has gone potty. Someone was always going to be head of these companies. Unless I missed a trick, none of them persuaded Putin to duff up Ukraine causing a tenfold hike in what Vlad charges for a therm of gas, so resulting in the energy companies with a bonanza of profits and bonuses. The current situation for the energy companies is really serendipity.

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Just don’t mention the weather

Why...

Can I not turn on the news or pick up a paper without screaming about the weather? The UK news media liken what would be a warm day where I live as akin to the UK living in hail and brimstone. Beelzibub and his minions are stalking the hell-like streets. Pah! However, here in Malta this summer has been hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants. I like the beach as much as anyone but I cannot understand people flocking to be staked out on the sand with the sun hot enough to turn their bodies the colour of condemned veal. Certainly most locals shake their heads in disbelief at the tourists gently sizzling on the shoreline. So instead, my wife, the French bulldogs and I enjoy the view of the Mediterranean from the comfort of the air conditioning, with the occasional sprint into the pool. Even the dogs hop across the garden flagstones to jump into the flowerbed to pee. Forget booties for the snow, you need them to protect your tootsies from turning into ten chipolatas!

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Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

Do I still prefer pulling a cork rather than unscrewing a cap? Logic has gone out the window here. No other business in the world would tolerate a (conservative) 5% failure rate, which is the figure given for 'corked' wines. That's one in twenty. We have hissy fits when one in in ten thousand IPads just blink. Can you imagine if one in twenty cars were faulty? And yet.... That seductive pop bursts so many pent up emotions. The sound rivals the soothing tones of a $500 an hour shrink. That pop can just as easily equate to the escape of bottled up sexual tension on a first date, to the release of frustration after the week from hell (I suspect David and Sam Cameron may well have yanked a few corks after Brexit). Then there is the whole wonderful bullshit theatre of the sommelier. Firstly he thrusts the bottle under my nose, ignoring if I was in mid-sentence or even mid- joke, demanding my undivided attention in his far more important world. I can barely remember the name of what I have picked out, let alone the year but I gamely play along with the charade, putting on my specs to carefully inspect the bottle. Then, deftly using one of those tiny contraptions I can never get to work, the wine waiter swiftly extracts the cork. If he is a sommelier par excellence he might even sniff what he has removed, and with a look of supreme indifference, pocket it as he pours me a thimble full of wine to taste. Of course if he really knew what he was doing he should know instantly if a bottle is bad and simply apologize and produce another. But he has his reasons and waits as I take a sip. The moment of truth. Occasionally when the bottle is so badly corked that my tongue dials the fire brigade, I am brave enough to challenge the wine waiter and suggest the bottle of botulism he has presented me with ain't quite up to standard. However I am ashamed to admit most times I am too intimidated if I think the wine is punching me in the throat rather than caressing my taste buds. Usually my party have drunk half the bottle before someone has the courage to say that "rather than suggesting a bouquet of raspberry with a hint of chocolate and whisper of tannins, this tastes like a bus driver's sock.” We then haul over the wine waiter. Depending on if we look like we might know what we are talking about he will inspect the glass and mutter an apology, or simply whisk the offending bottle away. I have never seen a sommelier actually taste a corked bottle. A good one that is not corked, yes. But a bottle of rancid wine juice? Never. As I said, they know from the get go, but hope your too sloshed to notice. The reason they say nothing is the staff will of course chalk up the bottle as rancid, add it to the claim of dud bottles they present each month to the supplier and open (hopefully) a decent bottle of the same vintage to enjoy once the bloody patrons have left.

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It only has to do one thing

July 30, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Technology
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Why...

Is it so difficult for simple things to do the one thing they were designed for? We have a set of drawers in our bathroom in the built in cabinets around the sink. However, they are all coy. Instead of fully opening they half open. I have checked the runners etc. They are specifically designed only to be drawn out half their depth! I spend my life with my arm half bent rummaging around at the dark recess of the back for medicines, pills, chargers and other bathroom paraphernalia having to sweep them to the front so I can see them. I would really like to meet that designer and warmly shake him by the throat.

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Disco. It still exists. Only in nightmares. Or holidays

July 17, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

To add to the list of things you do on holiday and leave on holiday is dancing to disco music.

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If an airline can charge you for a seat on a plane that does not exist, why can they also charge you if you don’t appear at the gate?

July 3, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are some airlines hellbent on pi##ing off their passengers, whilst some notable exceptions bend over backwards to be helpful? Let’s face it. Airports in certain cities are in chaos. I recently heard of a passenger checking into First Class on an international carrier asking for his bags to go to Rio as he went to New York. An exasperated check in staff called over the manager who explained this was simply impossible. Baggage had to accompany the passenger. “Well, you managed it last time I flew to New York”, came the response, to a ripple of applause from other passengers.

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It’s not about the money … honestly

June 19, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Sport
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Why...

Is everyone so coy about admitting ‘I am doing it for the money?’ There is a huge brouhaha going on because a bunch of sportsmen dressed in awful tartan and plaid clothing have decided to whack a few balls around God’s largest bunker, Saudi Arabia. Now, dear reader, have a guess what attracted these already rich men to play golf there? Was it… 1. The quality and diversity of the golf courses bathed in 100 degree heat 2. The range of free alcoholic beverages on offer 3. The chance to dance the night away with local unescorted ladies in some jiving nightclub and the wonderful variety of nightlife and entertainment 4. The opportunity to mingle freely with people of either sex or sexual orientation without fear of segregation or arrest 5. Their support to the regime that chopped up poor journalist Jamal Khashoggi in October 2018, and has a habit of beheading people whose sexual orientation or religion they disagree with, bans free speech and can use torture as a punishment from courts…… or 6. Could it possibly be the multimillion dollar prize money? Whilst trying not to reveal themselves as the money grabbing venal people most of us are, the golfers have tied themselves into a Gordian knot trying to say money was the last reason they agreed to the tour. Such a shame. I would have hugely respected the man who had piped up and said: “The only reason to visit this godforsaken sandpit with stone-age rules about women and gay people is to make vast amounts of money. If people honestly believe my presence here has anything to do with supporting a repressive regime they are either dreaming or drive in Formula I.” Previous F1 events have taken place in such well known beacons of human rights as Russia, Turkey, Bahrain, China, Qatar, Azerbaijan, Saudi Arabia and AbuDhabi.

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It’s an ATM not a Nintendo game boy

Why...

Do I seem to always be queueing at an ATM with someone who seems to be playing a game on the console? Just put the card in and take out the money! Maybe people miss the interaction with a bank teller? For all I know they could be typing in ‘Good morning, how are your kids/cats/bunions?’ All I see is cards go in, lots of typing, staring at the screen, then reading slips of paper… only to repeat the whole process all over again with another card. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Maybe I am the mad one expecting people just to extract money from an ATM rather than a prolonged electronic dialogue.

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Why a spring break is like a Pringle

May 29, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

During two years of lockdown and feeling like Papillon on Devil’s Island, locked in and no way out, my wife and I took the sports car to Sicily then on to Calabria and Puglia in the boot of Italy. The problem was we did not want to come home. After being cooped up in Malta, an island so small you could carpet it in an afternoon, the sense of freedom was overwhelming. And just like a single Pringle, a short break is not nearly enough. Had we not had two pooches waiting for us, we would be in Croatia by now on the way to Istanbul!

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Welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking

Why...

Twenty goes into sixty a lot more times than sixty goes into twenty

Why...

2023 ... hero or villain?

Why...

🎶 Rudolf the red nose reindeer, 🎵 Had a very shiny nose … due to alcohol and drug abuse?

Why...

I want to be left alone - TV and magazine interviews on exactly why, to follow.

Why...

🎶Memories are made of this🎵

Why...

The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world

Why...

What will you do over the holiday season?

Why...

Your title’s too long

Why...

For ffff fakes sake

Why...

Fill her up with four star, a packet of crisps, a bottle of Bordeaux and a butt plug please

Why...

Oh, to be CEO of an energy company

Why...

Just don’t mention the weather

Why...

Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

It only has to do one thing

Why...

Disco. It still exists. Only in nightmares. Or holidays

Why...

If an airline can charge you for a seat on a plane that does not exist, why can they also charge you if you don’t appear at the gate?

Why...

It’s not about the money … honestly

Why...

It’s an ATM not a Nintendo game boy

Why...

Why a spring break is like a Pringle

Why...