See all posts for

2021... about bloody time!

December 29, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Friends Kids/Family/Relations Uncategorised
View all 1 Comment

Why...

I shall stay up till midnight this New Year’s Eve?

Like guests who have overstayed their welcome and I shed crocodile tears as I wave a relieved good bye, I shall bid an un-fond farewell to 2020. Indeed, I shall stay up to make sure we do go into January 1st 2021 rather than have Groundhog Day and get stuck on 31 December 2020.

There is no need to dwell on the all the obvious reasons of why I shall be ecstatic to say Adieu to 2020; US elections, riots, Brexit and COVID.

Here are a few less known things that have expired and I am saying goodbye to in 2021.

My Tabasco sauce of five years,

My Lea & Perrins of ten years ago and

Any Twinkie cakes buried in the cupboard and bought when my Kindergarten teacher was born must also now go the the giant dustbin in the sky.

I know that within a month of every electrical guarantee expiring, the gadgets will all go phut... unless I paid money for an extension on the guarantee. The equipment will duly give up the ghost the next day after expiry of the longer warranty.

Unbelievably, beer only lasts four months from bottling. Whoever has kept beer that long anyway?

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Bruce Springsteen was right... ???? 57 Channels and nothing on????

December 20, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Can’t I find something to watch? The most common question I get nowadays is not about COVID measures, UK versus EU or how Donald Trump combs his hair. It is... “Have you seen a good series recently?” There are two things we all have in common during lockdown. One is continually opening the fridge and expecting to see different content despite not having been to the shops to feed it. The other is binge watching TV series, despite earlier stated noble ideas of learning via the Internet fluent Swahili or being able to perform open heart surgery armed only with a Swiss Army knife. This is where Springsteen was prophetic in his song from 1992. You would think with more drama being produced than ever before this would be easy. There is no doubt that the best of television now is the best ever created. The most talented writers, stars and directors are forming orderly queues outside the offices of Netflix, Hulu, Showtime, HBO and Amazon Prime. Unlike us at the cinema. However, I have a problem. Everyone wants to create a Fargo, The Bridge, Breaking Bad or other cutting edge shows. Sadly many fall as flat as one of my soufflés. Can we not have a sprinkling of less edgy but more accessible shows? Not every lead has to be damaged, not every scene shot at night or every plot about the evils of drugs, dysfunctional families, child abuse, serial killers or big Pharma. (PS this last group along with another baddie, single use plastic, have just saved our asses so back off a bit maybe?) I am not asking for wall to wall Murder She Wrote or Midsomer Murders. I have sleeping pills that have the same effect. However, there are numerous thrillers, drama stories and even comedy books out there that are a little more mainstream and would make great TV. Or do I need to be put down as I am obviously getting old and crinkly?

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

Why...

As I turn my focus from the actual size of my stomach to what I intend to put in it over Christmas, have I already goofed. In October I made a Christmas cake the size of the heel stone at Stonehenge and Christmas pudding so heavy that when it is engulfed in flaming brandy I will need a crane to bring it to the table. Same for the turkey. Ever since my wife introduced me to the Southern US joy of deep frying an 8lb turkey in under an hour, a big bird presents no problem. So I ordered a 12lb one this year as we expected a dozen for lunch and a house full of guests. Oops! So far Christmas lunch is for four with overseas family unable to take flights to visit us and others here in Malta locked up in lockdown. We cannot even invite strangers as they would be considered outside our bubble! If I was a Supermarket, I would get rid of large boxes of mince pies by selling them individually. Special offer would be ‘Xmas style tiny turkeys’ (chickens) for four people, walnuts in packs of six and Stilton slices. The only large family gatherings are going to be around a Zoom screen rather than a Christmas tree or dinner table.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Thanksgiving, the boring day before Black Friday ...Christmas Day? Thats just blah blah before the Boxing Day sales!

Why...

Has a public holiday become simply just the day before a sale? Putting aside any religious connotation, it's a wondrous idea that all nations have certain days during the year that are set aside to unwind with friends and family. However I challenge anyone to give me an example when a national holiday nowadays is not followed by a sale. OK maybe not April 15th in North Korea which is Day of the Sun (Birthday of Kim Il Sung)....I dunno' though?....I could be wrong. Maybe you can get a deal on a nice set of finger nail extractors....I mean nail clippers....at ten potatoes off list price. (You never know who is reading this stuff. Ask a Sony)! Whilst Labor Day or Memorial Day are not inextricably linked to buying, Christmas is. Spending the whole month of December wracking my brains at what to buy Auntie Incontinent or Uncle Halitosis (or more likely did I give them the same thing last year) do I really want the day after giving and receiving all this detritus to put my brain into buy mode again? A cracking good example as to how easily we lap up special days to spend money on was my blog about card companies making up superfluous celebration days http://andanotherthin.wpengine.com/beware-card-shark/#andanotherthing.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Find me someone who can undo a child lock and I’ll find you a Houdini in the making

November 22, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do I need the dexterity of a safe cracker to open a jar of vitamins? I am always amazed at Health and Safety’s belief in the stupidity of others. Of course dangerous things should be kept away from the vulnerable. And that includes some parents from kids. Why should responsibility and common sense be the albatross around Proctor and Gamble’s neck? I was at a dinner party recently and instead of after dinner games like Ibble Dibble or Are you there Moriarty?, we were presented with the challenge of trying to open a box of washing pods. Impossible. Perhaps colouring them like sweets is not super smart but you’d need a mouth like Julia Robert’s to actually eat one. A) just keep box away from kids, B) give them a huge telling off if they try to even reach for them and, C) explain they taste yuck. Give them a tablespoon of mustard if they don’t believe you. Tough lessons worked on every generation back to the dawn of civilisation. Whether it was... “Don’t kick a sleeping saber tooth tiger,” Or “Never wear a black conical hat and talk to your cat in front of the Inquisition,” up to Don’t lick the plug socket! It was pretty simple. If you did, the consequences were your own fault. Nowadays it’s never your fault, even if you are as thick as a whale omelette. Accidents are never caused by kids because no one told them not to... put the cat in the microwave to dry it, not to get stuck toast out of a live toaster with a fork or jump off the roof using a plastic bag as a parachute.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

November 9, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Be woke? I understand the woke generation are now bleating that a full stop/period is offensive and could be taken as a sign of aggression. Therefore, it must no longer be used in punctuation. Aggression is when Hitler invaded Poland. Or hijacker Leila Khaled who was convicted as a terrorist took over a TWA jumbo jet in 1969. But recently she was invited to San Fransisco State University to address a forum on Gender Justice and Resistance. Did I miss reading about this exchange? “Right. We are taking over this plane. Men to the left aisle, women to the right. Those among you who are gender neutral, we will be letting you disembark.” I don’t think so.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

The end is nigh

October 25, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Technology
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Does anyone believe the cinema will survive? Tell me what is wrong with this likely conversation between studio Execs... “So hey, Covid. Bummer, like, no one is going to the cinema”, says the Distribution Gofer. “Right, so let’s pull all the movies that could get people back now and wait till we are sure we can squeeze the maximum return with everyone going back to the theatres in a year’s time”, says the other Exec. “OK, but surely those who don’t go to the cinema now will pay us for pay per view instead. What’s the point in holding off if we kill the business...” the Gofer replies. “Doh! Why release now when we might miss out on better box office numbers in the future?”, Exec “Yeah, great, I feel you... but in the meantime by not giving any product, won’t the cinema chains go bust... so isn’t holding back a year kind of self defeating?”, replies the Gofer. “When I want your opinion, I will give it to you!” Honestly, the knuckleheads at the studios are dumber than dog slobber. The patient is dying of starvation so to solve the problem let’s give him no food at all! Of course it’s sheer greed. If they wait six months plus, they hope more people might go back to Cinemas, but it’s a moot point. The movie theatres won’t exist by then!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Internet Influencers. Now you see me, now you dont

October 11, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Are some ‘Social Influencers’ allowed to sell themselves in a way that if they were a product they would be yanked from the shelves for gross misrepresentation? Over the past six months the launch of my book Fall Out has thrust me into to the world of digital promotion and social media. In addition, my CBD business is substantially expanding its range and reach so I equally have become involved in the world of credible marketing content influencers and reviewers. Let me be clear. There are wonderful decent influencers out there. Real professionals whose dedication to their speciality is pure and the idea of paying them for an opinion is an anathema... substance not image is their calling card. However, it is the fakery in a business that is meant to engender total honesty that has my jaw hitting the floor. The proliferation of enhanced photo images on-line has reached epidemic proportions. During the period of a learning curve so steep it was nearly vertical, I discovered the story of the two ladies above. Coeyyy and Extreme are mega influencers from China and just one example of bloggers or vloggers who have ‘tweaked’ their image. This raises more questions than a condom in a nunnery. Firstly, the whole point of an influencer is surely that people trust their judgement, not their cheekbones, to make a decision to purchase something. In addition, as an Influencer it’s surely what you say or write that matters; not if you unfortunately hit every branch of the ugly tree.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Maltese Termites are fed up with lockdown

October 3, 2020
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Politics
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Did these wood-chomping insects decide to come out of hiding last week and treat my home as a smorgasbord? Recently I awoke to the sound of my wife cursing and yelling. As I was still in bed I wracked my brain if I had said or done anything offensive the night before. We had hosted a fairly drunken dinner party during which all I could recall was the dogs farted and the charming lady next to me hoovering up food and drink with abandon. Being brave I got up and went to where the wailing and gnashing of teeth came from. My wife was gesticulating at a wall that seemed to be crisscrossed with curved lines of what looked like pepper. She was frantically pulling picture frames off the wall. “They have eaten my ‘I will not talk during class’.”Sure enough a picture frame that housed the final page signed by her father of a punishment of several hundred lines handed out in 2nd grade, now looked like it was made from Swiss cheese. It was full of holes. In fact the entire back of the wooden frame had proved to be a canapé before the main course of this highly prized family heirloom. This troop of munchers seemingly overnight had devoured several picture frames and half a door frame. A feat of gluttony that was pretty impressive. “Honestly, will you look at that. These things are no respecter of Covid lockdown.....” This time I had to move quickly to avoid a slap.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I feel like Benjamin Button. Not only do I wear shorts and sandals but I have started adding fractions to my age.

Why...

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Next up Jane Bond or In-Diana Jones...

Why...

The fuss about gender change in the creative process? So Dr. Who is now a woman. Who-hoo! But the Doctor is not a human anyway? Time Lord, Time Lady... all a bit vague so I think it's a great idea, as did Dr. Who co-creator Sydney Neumann back in the 1980s who suggested it to the BBC (They rejected it)! But now there are calls for Jane Bond, Jolanda Bourne, even In-Diana Jones. No no no no no! These characters are as male as much as Lisabeth Salander (Dragon Tattoo) Katniss Everdeen (Hunger Games) and Celie (Colour Purple) are female. The lunatic who thinks altering the author's original vision is their prerogative is at best wholly presumptive and at worst insulting to the creative process. As always the cries for these changes are emitted by mental pipsqueaks with all the creative talent of a mollusk. If they are so keen to see changes, go create something; don't stand at the sidelines picking at other people's work. I already blogged about the lunacy of PC titles for books (http://andanotherthin.wpengine.com/when-did-you-last-read-the-dark-nag) but changing the sex, colour, nationality, religion or race of a lead literary character to suit the mood of the day is so short sighted as to make Mr. Magoo have the vision of an eagle. Creative work needs to be seen in the context of when it was written as well as the time it was written about. Should we remove slavery from Gone with the Wind or short people from Gulliver's Travels and Snow White? Does Mr. McGregor threatening to put Peter Rabbit in a pie upset the Vegans? In Jack and The Beanstalk, "Fee, fye, foo, fum I smell the aftershave on an Englishman" just does not cut if for me. I know… let's remake Guess who's coming to Dinner… yup, with a Transgender.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

So bad they named it twice

September 6, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Kids/Family/Relations Sex Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do drug companies give their products not one but two instantly forgettable names? Is this because they all themselves have multiple names. GlaxoSmithKline, F. Hoffmann-La Roche or the puzzling Johnson & Johnson. Were they twins? Take statins? I do. Everyday. Lowers cholesterol and good for your heart. The actual name for mine is Rosuvastatin. Sounds like a Russian spy. However they sell it under the name brand Crestor. Why? It is confusing for me and plain difficult to remember. Isn’t it a toothpaste? And as for marketing, the name Crestor does sweet F.A. in telling me what it does. How about Heart-help? Ticker-tablet or Pressure buster? Same with just about any drug you can think of. Here is a list of the most common drugs with their retail name and fancy name. Levothyroxine (Synthroid) Lisinopril (Prinivil, Zestril) Gabapentin (Neurontin) Amlodipine (Norvasc) Hydrocodone/acetaminophen (Vicodin, Norco) Amoxicillin (Amoxil) Omeprazole (Prilosec) Metformin (Glucophage) Losartan (Cozaar). Unless you are actually taking them how many do you recognise or know what they treat? Yet they are sold by the gazillions! With the $€¥ billions these guys syphon off us, does their marketing department really think that unpronounceable and hard to remember names gives them gravitas and therefore the right to charge like the Light Brigade for their product! It’s loopy. I suppose Viagra comes close with association with vigour but Hard-as-rock is much better. Vicodin should be Zonked and Gabapentin Ouch-away. As for herpes busting Zovirax (real name Acyclovir) how about No-sex-just-yet.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Now you can only go into the bank wearing a mask

Why...

Has common sense been swept away by Covid-19? There was a time if the police stopped your car while out on a date and they found rubber gloves, a mask, duct tape and a chemical suit in the trunk they would suspect you of being right out of CSI. Now you are just a responsible citizen. I stood in line at our fabulous farmer’s market today watching a woman in a mask and gloves take both off to sniff and squeeze at least a dozen melons. Then she replaced her protective gear, happy that she was safe, but all the melons were now toxic. Every store now has a hand pump ready to spit out who knows what on your hands. After a day, my paws look like red swollen baseball mitts. Let alone the fire hazard. This stuff not only is highly inflammable but has no flame. Light up a fag and you may not realise your fist is on fire until your fingers start to go crispy! And shoe shops are utterly mad. You have to try on shoes with half your leg wrapped in an overgrown condom! You can’t see what the shoe looks like and I just don’t see how this avoids anyone catching the dreaded lurgie.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

August 1, 2020
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Sport Travel/Nature
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do I know more about where I visit than where I live? If you want to amuse yourself in a city you are visiting ask directions to a made up address. If it's slightly rude… even better. Piddle Lane, Butt Hole Road, Divorce Court or (my favourite) Camel Toe Drive. (These in fact all exist). Nine times out of ten the person you ask will point you with utter certainty in the direction of your fictitious address. Locals never, ever, can be seen to know less than a foreigner. It is a maxim that you are always better informed of the cities you visit than the ones you live in. Most foreigners know far more than I do about London....and I lived there off and on for fifty years. The last time I viewed the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London, TV was black and white and The Beatles wore suits. My most recent visit to the British Museum was with my toddler son......who is now a pilot! However I visit the Louvre every time I am in Paris and the Met every time I'm in New York. I would rather kiss a politician than go to the Opera in London but in Vienna it's a must. If you do want true culture always search out a local museum. There are only so many Botticelli's a man can see in a day but how about the Phallogical (gentleman's sausage) Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland? You can compare notes with the Condom Museum in Bangkok or Sex Museum in Amsterdam? Got the kids? No problem. There are Barbie museums in Paris, Rome and Montreal or a Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Today’s blog was too good ... You can’t read it

Why...

Am I getting brain fade? I have written these little ditties for over four years now, on over 200 topics ranging from my dog’s television viewing habits to me never being around when moving house. It is getting increasingly challenging to find things to scribble about. Last week whilst driving in the shoal of Malta’s kamikaze drivers I was struck by a subject so ripe that I actually started laughing. For a moment I wondered whether I should stop and write it down or record it into my phone. Nope! No need. It was too funny. How on earth could I forget? Try as I might, I cannot remember it. I even drove down the same road listening to the same songs in the hope the Muse of blogs would reach out and jog my memory. Nothing.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

If eating food is a sport, I need to start training properly

Why...

Can I not think of a single redeeming feature of eating competitions... unless of course it’s my company’s food. There are plenty of people who can argue with some justification that tug-of-war, tiddlywinks, or Morris Dancing are sports. At least they require some skill, a smidgen of technical ability. Dare I say it, there is also some teamwork or aesthetic beauty. Apart from the hand to eye coordination of being able to stuff food into your mouth like a high speed conveyor belt, I can think of nothing that needs any special requirements... except zero common sense and a stomach capable of enlarging to the size of a mid range Buick. Let’s put aside the question of if it’s a sport. Let’s start with why is it even a pastime. The basics. Gluttony. That is the skill. That attracts a very specific individual. Certainly if you shout in their ear you might get an echo. The goal. Waste as much bad food as possible and try not to vomit. Every eating competition I have found contains junk food with more additives than a years worth of Apple I-phone updates. Competitors taste buds are not exactly refined. And as the food is cheap, so it’s easy to supply in industrial size portions. From a personal point of view I would question the word Food! I mean no one ever has a caviar or truffle eating festival otherwise I might be tempted.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Going going gone...(money and common sense)

June 25, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do my brains turn to mush at auctions? No matter how hard I try, if my wife and I go to an auction, I manage to find something that I cannot possibly live without. The fact I never knew there were such things as Chinese fire alarm sticks, Japanese tangerine bowls, 1850 suppository machines, or opium smokers headrests is irrelevant. Once discovered, life is not worth living without them. Once I have made that leap, I am free-falling into the money pit that is bidding. Now not only is my life incomplete without Winston Churchill's dentures or silver sugar tongs in the shape of a wishbone, but no one else can have it! Even if I promise my wife a limit at auction, seeing someone else outbidding me is as provocative as a Bernie Saunders supporter at a Trump rally. So I end up triumphant paying too much for something that in the cold light of day is as useful as a chocolate teapot (let me know if any readers have one for sale).

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Exactly what is the definition of survival of the fittest?

Why...

Is it always portrayed in the media that only ‘Tarzans’ can survive in the post apocalyptical jungle? What exactly do people mean by survival of the fittest anyway? I am prepared to admit most of the contestants on Gladiator could run circles around me (or trapeze above me waiving a giant Q-tip trying to knock over another contestant) but how much use would they be in a post apocalyptic Armageddon? Without whitening toothpaste and an endless supply of spandex, not much. In fact the gap between dumb as dog-slobber and super smart seems to double every 5 years. Technology has made dimwits of 99% of us. I mean how many reading this actually knows how a smart phone works, yet I suspect 200 years ago, 99% of us understood how to make smoke signals. And what skills would we need to survive? I suppose that depends on the environment of survival. If it’s all 1984 or even Terminator, being a geek looks a good bet. Q rather than 007. Planet of the Apes apocalypse and I suspect being able to run fast is critical, as is having an endless supply of nuts. A post nuclear disaster, I’d suggest being a welder who can whip up a lead suit to keep radiation out is a plus or a decent cook if you have to spend eternity in a bunker.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Are you a lockdown fashionista

June 13, 2020
Fasion Health & Beauty Kids/Family/Relations Life
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Has Covid-19 superseded Vogue as the trendsetter of fashion? I suspect less than 0.1% of men have worn a tie over the past ten weeks with bras going the same way. Stilettos, false eyelashes, leather shoes with laces and evening attire have also been banished to the cupboard whereas fashion no-no’s such as the onesie, head band and tracksuit have made a comeback even Sinatra would have been proud of. The most shocking aspect of lockdown is the sudden appearance of facial hair; mostly, though not exclusively, on men. As someone who has sported a well trimmed beard and moustache for a decade, I am amazed at the birds nests many friends have now got stuck on their faces. Even my beloved father-in-law, decorated pilot, Diplomat and US Government Advisor suddenly looks like Uncle Sam with his natty goatee beard! The first question is why?

Is it an act of defiance to the old rules? No more office, suit, tie and hair as slick as a second hand car salesman’s patter? “I am the master of my destiny and phooey to convention like shaving.”
Is it to show the ‘outdoorsman’ in face of lockdown. “Hey Covid-19 I’m Grizzly Adams. I cut down trees with my teeth and drive in masonry nails with my bare hands. Don’t screw with me.”
Or is it simply:

“I cannot be bothered to stay trim and trimmed. What can I binge watch next?” To see if it’s really a fashion statement rather than a whimper, let’s see how much of the facial topiary will survive the ending of lockdown.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

DIY classes and Bear Grylls never taught me how to colour my wife’s roots

June 5, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Travel/Nature
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Could I never join Tom Hanks on Castaway? Lockdown has demonstrated that I would never survive a week as Robinson Crusoe. The ‘manly’ ability to be able to fend for myself in the wild is limited to knowing how a tin opener works. Don’t laugh, most kids have no idea what it is. To try and light a fire I might as well rub two Boy Scouts together rather than wood. And the idea of building anything, let alone a hut, that did not come in a flat pack, is farcical. Before Covid-19, many men had this belief that in the survival stakes they had things covered. The reality is without electricity, streaming TV and the Internet mankind is as viable as a condom dispenser in the Vatican. All these clowns who ran around pretending to be GI Joe at the weekend but were Account Managers during the week, would quickly become canapés for a hungry bear in the woods. Just as everyone now is a forensic expert after watching a few seasons of CSI, two episodes of survivor and a season of Gilligan’s Island makes us castaway experts.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Subscribe to my weekly posts

Archives

Recent Posts

Categories

What drives you crazy?

Want to know when I publish the next blog?

See all posts for

2021... about bloody time!

Why...

Bruce Springsteen was right... ???? 57 Channels and nothing on????

Why...

Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

Why...

Thanksgiving, the boring day before Black Friday ...Christmas Day? Thats just blah blah before the Boxing Day sales!

Why...

Find me someone who can undo a child lock and I’ll find you a Houdini in the making

Why...

This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

Why...

The end is nigh

Why...

Internet Influencers. Now you see me, now you dont

Why...

Maltese Termites are fed up with lockdown

Why...

I feel like Benjamin Button. Not only do I wear shorts and sandals but I have started adding fractions to my age.

Why...

Next up Jane Bond or In-Diana Jones...

Why...

So bad they named it twice

Why...

Now you can only go into the bank wearing a mask

Why...

Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

Why...

Today’s blog was too good ... You can’t read it

Why...

If eating food is a sport, I need to start training properly

Why...

Going going gone...(money and common sense)

Why...

Exactly what is the definition of survival of the fittest?

Why...

Are you a lockdown fashionista

Why...

DIY classes and Bear Grylls never taught me how to colour my wife’s roots

Why...