All posts in category: Finance/Law

Funk me, Mark Zuckerburg wants to put me on the naughty step coz I talk like a sailor

Why...

Has swearing become the big no-no on Facebook... as opposed to: how to build a nuclear bomb on a rainy afternoon, five different ways to slice and dice a noisy next door neighbour or learn to shish-kebab the infidel in ten easy steps? I understand that algorithms are being introduced as electronic bleepers to cull blogger’s profanity. Therefore this might be my last blog for a while as I dial down my language. So what happens to my friends on Fanny Hands Lane in Scunthorpe or Butt Hill road in Penistone who are ornithologists and want to discuss the mating habits of a blue tit, a skiddy-cock, nicker-pecker, boobyalla or assapanick? Will the marine biologist from Cockermouth in Cumbria and their aholehole and bummalo fishes be banished from showing pictures or the insect lovers and their cute six legged cockchafers have their accounts closed? No more stories from holiday-makers out to catch a dik-dik (a small antilope) or out for a sail with a fuksheet (foresail). Clearly one man’s passion is Facebook’s poison.

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I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here... ...and into a product endorsement

December 7, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law
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Why...

Do superstars worth hundreds of millions put so little value on their integrity? Super famous people stooping to leverage their relationship with the public to push products, always seems a bit grubby to me. Whilst I understand a minor soap star, weather girl or game show host might need a few extra bucks to pay for the perma-tan, do Oscar winning mega celebrities worth $100m + really need to sell his or her sole for a few extra bits of silver? The admirable George Clooney pulls in a few million by pushing coffee and watches. He says this money funds his charity work. Fair enough you might say. But for me if I wanted to give to charity, I’d do it with what I earn from my day job, not from extra goodies moonlighting as a pitchman for products I don’t really use on a regular basis.

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I need to check into a Sex addiction clinic...

October 19, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Sex
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Why...

Am I confused as to what happens at a sex addiction clinic? If you are addicted to heroin and you check into a clinic, they have to wean you off using methadone or similar. So if you check in with sex addiction what is the cure process? “OK Mr.Weinstein. We will start you off on three 20 year old nurses a day down to two after the first week. Next sex with the 60 year Old head matron followed by a blow up doll and then finally a cup of cocoa and Mills and Boon novels. If the addiction still persists we will force feed you viagra and lock you in a room for a massage with Shrek’s wife Fiona... and Shrek himself to make up a threesome afterwards”.

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When customer service absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight...

Why...

Does my courier company sometimes think I'm psychic? Not only must I know when their little websites tell me my goodies are on the van, when in reality they aren't, even if they are due to be delivered over a 13 hour time spread from 6am to 7pm, it's just a guide. I clearly would not sit pining for the delivery van all day and half the night when I really know the window during the day he will come, so can arrange my day accordingly. The company also knows I get a tingling in my head on those days the driver gets lost or fancies a quick one with that lovely lady at number 22 and joshes to say I was out anyway and could we do it all again tomorrow. My how we laugh at that one! Now, as my courier thinks I still believe in fairies, unicorns and that La Donald is not bald, I must also have faith in Customer Service.... a contradiction in terms right up there with New Classic, Civil Servant and Gourmet Pizza. Nevertheless after three days of hide and hide (nothing to seek) I give them a call. Punching in more numbers and data than on a battalion of lottery tickets I eventually get a voice that asks again for all the same information… only to be put on hold… listening to music so awful as to make me bless Kenny Gee. But hope springs eternal and just as I am about to hang up some one chirps: “I am putting you through now"… to listen to more music. The call centre based out in Ulan Bator might offer to call me back and if by some miracle they do I note the number is withheld. God forbid a customer might want to initiate contact! When I get to be king any customer service (yes you BA, Vodafone, Insurance claims departments, etc., etc.) that does not have listed names with emails or direct phone lines will be made: A)to cut the White House Lawn with nail scissors and then B)to pick up the cut blades with tweezers.

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Going going gone...(money and common sense)

April 2, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
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Why...

Do my brains turn to mush at auctions? No matter how hard I try, if my wife and I go to an auction, I manage to find something that I cannot possibly live without. The fact I never knew there were such things as Chinese fire alarm sticks, Japanese tangerine bowls, 1850 suppository machines, or opium smokers headrests is irrelevant. Once discovered, life is not worth living without them. Once I have made that leap, I am free-falling into the money pit that is bidding. Now not only is my life incomplete without Winston Churchill's dentures or silver sugar tongs in the shape of a wishbone, but no one else can have it! Even if I promise my wife a limit at auction, seeing someone else outbidding me is as provocative as a Bernie Saunders supporter at a Trump rally. So I end up triumphant paying too much for something that in the cold light of day is as useful as a chocolate teapot (let me know if any readers have one for sale).

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The man who said it's better to give than receive had the clap...

October 6, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
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Why...

Does Charity have to go hand in hand with the foghorn of unrelated publicity and self-promotion? John Lennon famously said at a Royal Variety Performance in aid of Charity: "You guys in the cheap seats can clap, while you lot in the dress circle just rattle your jewelry." I am shocked at not only how much tickets for gala dinners now cost but the tiny fraction of the nights' takings that eventually filter down to the charity. The amount of money that disappears into the promotion and overhead of mega Charity Balls is eye watering, sometimes over 90%. Is it really all worth it? Women are shoehorned into impossible dresses and men pretend they look like James Bond when they are just held into their tight fitting dinner jackets by Uni-Bond. The food is a delicate balance between pretentious and uneatable. The vast ballroom is either hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants or cold enough to hear the hair on my legs crackle. As the tables are the size of a skating rink, I cannot speak to anyone but my immediate 'neighbour without a megaphone. Worst is, I invariably end up seated next to some airhead who drones on about how at a previous event she sat next to a loved up A list movie duo or Wall Street killer couple. "It was simply so amusing, dahling, " she gushes. She explains that the (now divorcing) couple competed against each other in the auction for a week in some other zillionaire's hermetically sealed villa. "Between the two they drove the price through the roof......they took a bow of course."

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It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to..... You would cry too if it happened to you...

Why...

In all that's logical, has the world's most powerful democracy and its two parties come up with such unappealing candidates? What is remarkable is that both Trump and Clinton can engender such visceral dislike! Ex pluribus unum is the motto of finding the President of the United States but Good Golly Miss Molly how can it have filtered down to Shrillery or The Hairstyle? I suspect the real reason is the battle is about the perceived status quo vs something new. I'm no fan of the current status quo but I'm not sure any alternative is the right one. But oh woe, the fault for the candidates must fall to the respective parties.

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Bye bye TV channels....meet the new lords of TV

August 11, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life Technology
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Why...

For an industry marked out for its pursuit of the new, can traditional broadcast and channel TV fail to see it's no longer at the crossroads....it's waaaaaaay past them. Netflix and others like Amazon have clearly demonstrated we like to consume our content at our own speed, not spoon fed episodes once a week. Does anyone have a show that's an appointment to view anymore? No, you just record it on your PVR and when you have half a dozen or so you sit down with a drink and a bucket of ice cream and off you go.

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It's an AMENDMENT dummy. It's already been altered....

July 21, 2016
Finance/Law Kids/Family/Relations Politics
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Why...

Do I have to see my dear transatlantic cousins twist and turn in the wind of argument over gun control? I know this is a subject that has undone many a Brit scribbler but I am deeply perplexed at the argument that it's practically divine a right to bare arms.... or arm bears.... and then quote the second amendment. Isn't that the point? It was an AMENDMENT. The original needed altering. It wasn't right first time. Perhaps in this day and age it ain't right now? The constitution was changed to allow you Colonials to bear arms to form a militia against perfidious Albion....but we ain't coming after you anymore. And if you think even a battle-bus full of patriotic armed citizens was going to prevent a modern attack such as 911 or the Boston bombers, that's wildly optimistic? A hand gun revolver if you must, and a bolt action rifle for hunting, but Yogi and Boo-Boo don't wear Kevlar nor run at 70 miles an hour so you don't need armor piercing bullets that pop out at a zillion rounds a second to stop them. Clearly if you have a country with a gabillion guns sloshing around in it, it's a trifle tricky to ask everyone to hand them back. And I suspect the least likely to then hand them back are those that you would most like to. It's therefore tough beyond belief but you have to start somewhere. How about the manufacturing bullets for certain weapons becomes an imprisonable offence unless supplied at a shooting range? I accept there are some countries who's citizens are armed to the teeth and live a relatively peaceful existence; Switzerland for instance (I claim a little bias here as I have a Swiss passport). Every citizen is issued with a rifle to defend against invasion. It's actually pretty pointless because if Uncle Putin wanted to get in, all the passes are mined and blowing those up is far more effective than a bunch of yodeling bankers trying to take pot shots at the Russian Army. Still no one has gone on a murdering rampage as far as I know. However maybe it's because gunfire exchange is less evident in Swiss culture. Heidi was not packin' an Uzi as she wandered around the Alps, and even William Tell could only fire one arrow at a time...even if it was at his son's head! The peaceful locals are renowned for whipping up cuckoo clocks not 3D printed handguns, chocolates not 1, 000 round magazines.

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Never drive behind someone sporting a wide brimmed hat…. and other vital rules of the road

Why...

Are certain driver types clearly a danger to themselves and others? As I drive along our crowded streets I find I have some consistency at whom I am invariably shouting at. Women or men in wide brimmed hats should be given a very wide berth indeed. They are constantly checking themselves in the rear view mirror without paying any attention to the cars snaking behind them for five miles as they trundle along. Their sole priority is to maintain their well turned out appearance. Any Uber Driver seems oblivious for the need to move at the maximum permitted speed limit but rather they glower and prod at their Satnavs, talk on their mobile to clients they cannot find whilst opening yet another air freshener. Nissan Micra drivers always seem to have a passenger with whom the driver is constantly arguing; hence the car swerves like doing the rhumba. However as the combined ages of the two passengers invariably exceeds a century and a half, the swerving is conducted at speeds a stray tortoise would have no trouble avoiding.

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Sell by date is in an hour…. so let's increase the price.

March 18, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Food & Drink
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Why...

On earth am I expected to pay more for something than advertised when it's about to expire? Even ticket touts at a concert or sports match lower the prices as the National Anthem plays to clear out the last of their stock. BUT...... Recently I was in Germany with three colleagues. Our meeting ended sooner than expected and we arrived four hours early at Dusseldorf Airport. Each had bought a return ticket from the UK and back for under £100 on Easyjet. We were all prepared to bin the return ticket as Easyjet had only one flight that night. However another large national carrier had an earlier flight. Despite having advertised the exact flight a few days earlier for similar prices to Easyjet, they now wanted £400 each one way! The argument being I suppose if it was such a late request standing at the airport we would pay the premium! Doh! Out of interest I asked how many tickets they had open… 20. Ten minutes before the plane left I went back to the ticket desk. "Now how many seats are still open on the plane"? "Still twenty, " the woman replied, questioning why I would bother to ask!! If my party had bought tickets at a sensible price they would have sold four more tickets, four more rounds of crappy sandwiches and several rounds of overpriced drinks. Instead that specific airline has pissed me off. I will try and avoid travelling with them ever again and put the experience in a blog. Anyone out there from the airline ticketing departments of a major carrier care to comment. Clue. Their old advert jingle was. ♫We take more fare/care of you, ♫ Fly the flag, fly the flag.

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Save the planet…. but lose your mind

Why...

Is stupidity forgiven if it's environmentally acceptable? I accept plastic bags seem as indestructible as Donald Trump (and equally need to be done away with) but why in all that's holy am I not offered paper bags in UK supermarkets as an alternative. I either leave juggling unpacked groceries like I am auditioning for Cirque du Soleil or made to feel like I must sit on the naughty step as I have to pay for another plastic bag I don't want. On top of that staff from Safeways to Selfridges are getting very gun-shy at asking customers to pay for plastic bags that many want to now put over the check-out staff’s head!

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Tipping is not a town in China

March 3, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Food & Drink
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Why...

And when did tipping become compulsory? Surely that's a contradiction in terms? And yet in many instances leaving no tip will result in a glare that Medusa herself would be proud of; and that’s if you’re lucky. A choice swear word or a clip round the ear is a distinct possibility. Tipping now seems to have more nefarious uses. One example, is it can be used to avoid companies obeying the law. Some restaurants hire people below minimum wage and make it up by the service charge. So without the 'discretionary charge' they are in breach of employment law. Other variations can be anything from laundering cash to covering up running a numbers racket.

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Congratulations on your forward planning! No one wants to buy a car, ‘Och Aye’ means ‘Nay’ and Tibet's treasure will rule the world!

Why...

Do Western Governments think no further than the next sound bite and company executives are unable to see past their annual bonus and the specifications on their next BMW? We need to understand that long-term planning is more than just remembering to set the TiVo or Skybox to record every episode of Homeland. Former Chairman of the People's Republic of China President Chou En Lai was asked once what he thought of the 1789 French Revolution. He replied "It's too early to say." Take cars. For my generation a car was aspirational on a number of levels. Along with total independence and the sheer exhilaration of driving was added the heady mix of sex and cool. We had no mobile phone, let alone Facebook, so you had to physically visit people in your car. When you did, normally the only chance of 'hooking up' was in the back seat, so 'the cooler the wheels, the sexier the heels'. My and millions of other's youth was full of parked cars that wobbled like jello and was why Lucifer had a bumper crop of souls from 1949- 1990. We gladly traded them for four wheels. Three generations drooled at the prospect of owning a car....and behind it all stood behemoths like Ford, General Motors and Chrysler down to (then) independents like Ferrari, Maserati, Lotus and Lamborghini. All employed a zillion people in their own businesses as well as the countless ancillaries from advertising agencies, tyre companies and design studios to the local gas station and body shops. Now everyone seems taken by surprise that the current generation are not really interested in cars; sales in the developed world are plummeting and we are heading towards automotive employment Armageddon. How could this be??????? A suggestion? Maybe something to do with the fact over the past twenty years successive Governments have made motoring as appetising as a waiter sneezing over a burger? All the fun and skill of driving has been replaced by mad costs, nannying computers and insane road planning. Roadworks stretch into the horizon and traffic police spend three hours investigating a mild knock of two cars in rush hour. Insurance companies treat kids with one minor infraction on their license as being as dangerous as Kim Jong Un with a migraine. George Orwell could not have imagined the level of surveillance, nor Creusus the level of tax on fuel and the Maquis de Sade would have quivered at the endless constriction of traffic jams. SPEED KILLS is flashed everywhere. Speed never killed anyone. Stopping does. The Government (and so mass media) took sex out of cars.......and are now panicking that no one wants to buy them. Did anyone for the teensiest moment think or say... "OK, environmentally we need to tighten things up, but maybe turning one of the largest employment sectors in the world into a pariah might make Mr. Magoo's short-sightedness look like 20/20 vision?"

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I name this child Hildergaard…. Whether she likes it or not.

February 4, 2016
Finance/Law Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Technology
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Why...

Are parents so shortsighted in the naming of their kids? My father just managed to stop his Godchild being christened Helen Angela Parry. He pointed out she would forever be known as being accident prone as her initials would read Miss.HAP (She is happily in her sixties now and was christened Angela Helen). I know we are not allowed to say anything negative about St. David Bowie, but I see his film Director son did ditch the name his dad gave him, Zowie Bowie, to use instead the less dramatic Duncan Jones. Had the lad been born in Denmark, he would not have been allowed to have that name. An extraordinary by law in Denmark, states that the local authority has the right to name a child if the parent’s choice does not meet with their approval! “Nope, you cannot call him Apple. His name is… Adolf. Next please.” This near Orwellian control is not what you expect from a country that gave us Lego bricks (and leg-over with beautiful blond au pairs - nannies to you yanks). Although the Danes did of course cause a furor over the Mohammed cartoons controversy, I suspect they did not fear an economic backlash of a boycott of famous Danish goods…. Well at least Danish bacon and Carlsberg beer might not have been too worried.

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These people charge like the Light Brigade…

Why...

Do I meekly accept additions or extra costs that are beyond the ridiculous? I have just returned from a business trip in Europe. In Germany, a one day charge in my room for Wi-Fi access was 35% of the room rate!! Dry cleaning and laundry at the same hotel meant after two washes I had paid for the price of my underpants! The owner of the subcontracted laundry service must also be a major launderer of cash. To add insult to injury I hired a Sat Nav with my car rental the next day in Italy. It was an old dilapidated Garmin that had not had any updates since Caesar built the roads. I found myself on the screen driving over fields when actually I was hurling along a new motorway. And the cost of renting this stone-age piece of technology cost more in a week than the machine itself! Airport Parking. Not being a fully qualified Codebreaker I am afraid deciphering airport tariffs are beyond me. Some are so complex you need Stephen Hawking sitting next to you to work out what a day’s parking actually costs. Download warnings. Whenever my iPad or iPhone gets a note from my operator to say I am near my limit when abroad, I simply turn them off. I have learnt to my cost that no matter if I agree to a new bundle of tariffs, put the thing in airport mode or just run it over with a tank, the phone and Pad still manage to ratchet up charges that soon become the size of a small nation's national debt.

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Art for Art’s Sake, ♫ but money for God’s Sake…

Why...

Do we have this idea that anything that’s old and rare has value? Artistic value comes from an object that has no other purpose in life but to give pleasure due to its own existence; paintings, jewellery, sculpture, books, music, photographs, etc. I am a petrol head so I would add that a few cars, whose real purpose was to move someone from A to B have transcended that initial raison d’être and the very shape of the car in itself has become a work of art. Pottery, china, silverware and furniture have also achieved this dualism and therefore have a ‘value’ over and above their original purpose. However as I watch various TV shows (Pawn Stars, Antique Roadshow, Cash in the Attic, etc.) I am amazed that people think that scarcity of once mundane objects means they have an artistic value. Well, sorry if you have a collection of tissue wrappers for apples, an unmade car model, or old chewing gum etc …they don’t. Rarity in itself has only a value if it has provenance (Elvis’ chewing gum, apple wrappers from the Titanic, Henry Ford’s own model of a Model T, etc.)! I grant you that there are people out there who want to collect old train tickets etc. but that’s a hobby. What they collect is not art. I’m afraid I also feel the same way about stamps.

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If it’s cheap…it will last a lifetime

Why...

Do I have drawers full of cheap reading glasses yet empty Persol, Gucci and Porsche glasses cases?

It seems to be a rule of life when you buy an expensive version along with a few cheap ones on the side, the cheap one sticks to your life like chewing gum to fur, but in an instant the expensive version is lost.

In the kitchen the potato peeler I use was bought from a street urchin in Vietnam years ago but the fancy Alessi one my wife gave me in my stocking for Christmas fell into the waste disposal on Boxing Day.

I cannot begin to count the number of Fox’s umbrellas, Cartier fountain pens, Ray Ban sunglasses, AKG earphones, or fancy schmanzy watches I have lost over the years. However as I sit at my desk there is a biro dated 2006 in front of me, my desk drawer has endless cheap Apple earphones and my car has an umbrella I bought in Hong Kong during a down-pour for HK$1 in 2002. There is even a ten year old Swatch on my wrist.

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Gangstas in Gucci trainers and Accountants in Aston Martins. Where’s the exclusivity in that??

Why...

Do we not see that the greatest trick that marketing has pulled off is to convince people mass produced goods can still be an exclusive luxury brand?

You only have to go back to when these brands actually started to see they were indeed the preserve of a very select few. Up until the 1980’s Ferrari's total number of cars ever made was still less than one year’s output of Porsche's production; yet now both license everything from pens to sunglasses. Cartier jewellery and Givenchy dresses used to be hand-made and the idea that either had a mass market or off the peg line would have been laughed at. Can you imagine what Coco Chanel would have thought of her elegant logo emblazoned across T-shirts?

And yet with the democratising of these once aloof high-end brands, they still manage to preserve a strong whiff of elitism. No wonder the companies who own them like LMVH are so profitable. I mean $225, 000 for a fuchsia coloured Birkin Hermes handbag?!

The ‘lower end goods’ (which still sell at a premium) are inserted into the mass market. From this pool a client may emerge with material success and still want to be associated with the brand going up their ‘exclusivity ladder’- Armani Exchange via Emporio Armani through Georgio Armani to Armani Privé - all at a huge premium This has been one of the most brilliant pieces of marketing abracadabra I have ever witnessed.

If you look at a number of other once luxury items that have become more widely available some still cling to the aura of ‘olde worlde privilege’ in the packaging; but they don’t actually fool the general public. However most are generic goods or services that never had a branded leader; smoked salmon, cashmere, brandy, leather clothing, even fancy restaurants. Some were simply superseded by technology whose price reduction democratised a once special item (personal phones in cars, cameras and colour TVs). Some just fell out of fashion (cruising by ship to New York, white tie and tails events and wearing tiaras).

Don’t get me wrong, I applaud the general growth in people’s wealth that our capitalistic system has provided. Yes it’s flawed, but less flawed than any other methods in improving living standards.

It’s just how the aspirational brands, such as cars (Aston Martin, Ferrari, Porsche, Bentley or Maserati), clothing (Gucci, Versace, Chanel and Dior), jewellery (Cartier, Bulgari and Asprey) and accessories ( Mont Blanc, Smythson, Louis Vuitton) have all enjoyed that democratisation and therefore dilution of exclusivity, yet still sell on it!

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I know what colour knickers you have on...

Why...

Are we allowing drones, those wretched electronic insects, to proliferate practically unchecked? If I climb a tree and start photographing my neighbour as she sunbathes in the nude or hang upside down from a balcony and film the honeymoon couple in the suite below, I expect arrest, lawsuits and bad language to be hurled in equal measure. Yet some halfwit can pop into any branch of Electronic’n’Computershit’R’us and buy an 'eye in the sky' by simply shoving over a credit card (something that took far more scrutiny to obtain than the drone). When first introduced by the U.S. military, I must admit to a frisson of smug satisfaction at the West's ingenuity. A drone, sent by a bloke with a buzz cut in a bunker in Nebraska, could deliver a missile right through Mr. Terrorist’s front door, whether he’s in Timbuktu or Al Ramadi. How’s that for special delivery! Now it seems our privacy and safety is the target; these things follow dogs in the park, boats at sea and even joy riders in stolen cars. The accident waiting to happen (such as a multi-car pileup or worse...an airline crash) is patiently hovering in the corner.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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All posts in category: Finance/Law

Funk me, Mark Zuckerburg wants to put me on the naughty step coz I talk like a sailor

Why...

I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here... ...and into a product endorsement

Why...

I need to check into a Sex addiction clinic...

Why...

When customer service absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight...

Why...

Going going gone...(money and common sense)

Why...

The man who said it's better to give than receive had the clap...

Why...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to..... You would cry too if it happened to you...

Why...

Bye bye TV channels....meet the new lords of TV

Why...

It's an AMENDMENT dummy. It's already been altered....

Why...

Never drive behind someone sporting a wide brimmed hat…. and other vital rules of the road

Why...

Sell by date is in an hour…. so let's increase the price.

Why...

Save the planet…. but lose your mind

Why...

Tipping is not a town in China

Why...

Congratulations on your forward planning! No one wants to buy a car, ‘Och Aye’ means ‘Nay’ and Tibet's treasure will rule the world!

Why...

I name this child Hildergaard…. Whether she likes it or not.

Why...

These people charge like the Light Brigade…

Why...

Art for Art’s Sake, ♫ but money for God’s Sake…

Why...

If it’s cheap…it will last a lifetime

Why...

Gangstas in Gucci trainers and Accountants in Aston Martins. Where’s the exclusivity in that??

Why...

I know what colour knickers you have on...

Why...