All posts in category: Friends

Holiday reading... nah this is not far-fetched enough

June 16, 2017
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life Politics
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Why...

Can I not find a decent fiction for my holiday read? Their plots are so boring compared to reality. In the last 12 months true events would have been roundly rejected in Hollywood as too far-fetched. Uncle Donald's mental pirouettes with regards to Russia, Korea and the CIA, make House of Cards shenanigans seem rather tame. The TV show Veep has stopped being a comedy and is simply a reality show. Then there is Melania Trump who looks as comfortable in her role of First Lady as a Nun in a Trojan factory. I think she is very cool but a plot line suggesting a First Lady having posed in the nude would have been rejected by even Mills and Boon. It's not as if there is not Volume 2 still to play out with second generation Trump... Ivanka and Jarred are names that come from bit players of Star Wars. And Tiffany??? In a recent poll of the most popular name for strippers the name Tiffany came second. What was Trump thinking (or thinking about) when he chose it?

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Put that fork down....you racist

January 27, 2017
Friends
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Why...

Has the colour chart been hijacked to become a race related battleground? I already commented how the names of famous books and characters have been clubbed by the moral batons of the self-appointed guardians of our morality When did you last read The Dark Nag? Now it's the use of colour. Mohammed Ali at his zenith would rail against Devil's chocolate cake being black and that Angel cake was white. Ali, genius of a communicator as he was, was simply making a point with humour, the shock tactic being used to make us think. He was far too smart and assumed we were also, for him to be taken literally. He knew perfectly well that it is the dress of the angels, not the angels themselves that are white and black is the colour of the night when Devils (themselves usually the colour of condemned veal) prance about. Of course there have been and still are some pretty offensive food names; Red Indian Sweets, Eskimo Pies, Darkie Toothpaste and even Aunt Jemima has had more make overs than Madonna. But if you really want to go down the food argument it doesn't even hold water in its own mad swamp of logic. Many foods that are naturally black in colour are better for us than their white equivalent: Caviar vs whitefish eggs (let alone Cadbury cream eggs), Guinness vs Milk, Blackbread vs white processed bread, Black sausage as opposed to Bratwurst, Balsamic Vinegar vs Malt Vinegar, Dark Chocolate rather than Milk (let alone white chocolate), Black Camargue Rice as opposed to long grain white rice. However the literal interpreters have taken over our language and shoved common sense down a black hole... Oops my bad. The term black hole term caused offence when used by a Texas official a while ago during an address. An apology was demanded. Doh. It's a black hole because no light escapes it. How can that possibly infer anything to do with the colour of someone's skin? The use of the word niggardly by a Washington official received a strong complaint from two City officials. This is an example of where sanity and education stop being even on nodding terms. The official's real crime was using a ten dollar word in a two cent conversation; mixing with people whose knowledge of the English language would not fill an M & M (of any colour). Come on, if you want to (quite correctly) attack bigotry, don't make yourself look stupid.

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Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

Do I still prefer pulling a cork rather than unscrewing a cap? Logic has gone out the window here. No other business in the world would tolerate a (conservative) 5% failure rate, which is the figure given for 'corked' wines. That's one in twenty. We have hissy fits when one in in ten thousand IPads just blink. Can you imagine if one in twenty cars were faulty? And yet.... That seductive pop bursts so many pent up emotions. The sound rivals the soothing tones of a $500 an hour shrink. That pop can just as easily equate to the escape of bottled up sexual tension on a first date, to the release of frustration after the week from hell (I suspect David and Sam Cameron may well have yanked a few corks after Brexit). Then there is the whole wonderful bullshit theatre of the sommelier. Firstly he thrusts the bottle under my nose, ignoring if I was in mid-sentence or even mid- joke, demanding my undivided attention in his far more important world. I can barely remember the name of what I have picked out, let alone the year but I gamely play along with the charade, putting on my specs to carefully inspect the bottle. Then, deftly using one of those tiny contraptions I can never get to work, the wine waiter swiftly extracts the cork. If he is a sommelier par excellence he might even sniff what he has removed, and with a look of supreme indifference, pocket it as he pours me a thimble full of wine to taste. Of course if he really knew what he was doing he should know instantly if a bottle is bad and simply apologize and produce another. But he has his reasons and waits as I take a sip. The moment of truth. Occasionally when the bottle is so badly corked that my tongue dials the fire brigade, I am brave enough to challenge the wine waiter and suggest the bottle of botulism he has presented me with ain't quite up to standard. However I am ashamed to admit most times I am too intimidated if I think the wine is punching me in the throat rather than caressing my taste buds. Usually my party have drunk half the bottle before someone has the courage to say that "rather than suggesting a bouquet of raspberry with a hint of chocolate and whisper of tannins, this tastes like a bus driver's sock.” We then haul over the wine waiter. Depending on if we look like we might know what we are talking about he will inspect the glass and mutter an apology, or simply whisk the offending bottle away. I have never seen a sommelier actually taste a corked bottle. A good one that is not corked, yes. But a bottle of rancid wine juice? Never. As I said, they know from the get go, but hope your too sloshed to notice. The reason they say nothing is the staff will of course chalk up the bottle as rancid, add it to the claim of dud bottles they present each month to the supplier and open (hopefully) a decent bottle of the same vintage to enjoy once the bloody patrons have left.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Drip drip drip, my patience is going down the drain......

June 30, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life Technology
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Why...

Do the smallest actions by some cause such heated reactions from others? OK so watching some guy pick his spots while at the traffic lights is not the best way to start the day, yet for another motorist this morning it actually infuriated her so much she honked her horn. Maybe she was an unemployed beautician who took offence at his do-it-yourself work depriving her of a living? I regularly strike up an argument with traffic lights that I am certain go green only for three nanoseconds the way I want to travel but stay red for at least a decade to allow the other traffic to slide by quite freely. My wife on the other hand takes the view ‘that's life’ and why do I complain?? I then point out she would rather play hopscotch on a mine field than go for a swim in the sea (she doesn't like swimming in deep water) so she has no reason to pick on my own bête noires. Off we go, pointing out things that only drives one of us crazy and is water off a ducks back to the other. People with earphones that leak hiss like maniacal cicadas have the same horrendous effect on me as fingernails scraping down a blackboard for my wife.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......

June 23, 2016
Animals/Pets Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Does the shower hold more horrors than a Michael Moore documentary? The flat where I am currently staying requires the delicacy of a safe cracker to prevent me turning the faucet mixer so either I freeze or boil. Acceptable temperature is a gap of about two millimeters. Equally dangerous is the curtain. It's so close that it continually billows against me trying to wrap me up like a sushi roll. I have already mentioned the lunacy of hotel sized shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and mouthwash; all being in small little bottles that you need to wear glasses in the shower to read, (My Eyebrows are Silky Soft and my Hair Smells of Listerine. Headings Health and beauty. April 16, 2015) but caps and tops in general are a nightmare. May I suggest the following letter to Proctor and Johnson

Dear Mr./Mrs. Shower Gel/ hair treatment manufacturer,

Perhaps one of your researchers/designers/marketing people might like to join me in my next shower?

When I use your product, guess what? My hands are soapy. So a round little top that I need to unscrew (especially if it has a top that is shiny silver) just slithers in my hand like a fish. It's quite possibly the most useless invention since the Parisian taxi driver's manual for good manners.

Actually I don't want anything that even has a top; be it unscrewable, twistable, pop-able .....Any top in a shower is superfluous to my bathing requirements. With nowhere to put it, I end up holding it in my teeth. Then it drops onto the ground. Next I step on it, swear loudly as it breaks as I can never reseal the damn bottle. Flip top only is my strong advice.

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Beware, Card Shark

June 16, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations
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Why...

Do I get roped into imaginary celebration days? Before I start this week's blog......I have a confession. For a few years I was the co-owner of the Hallmark Channel (Internationally) that I bought with a consortium from the eponymous card company still owned and controlled by the Hall family. There were some pretty freaky things that I learned about cards (before the digital universe blew a hole in Hallmark with Blue Mountain, Moo, Jibjab, Moonpig and Funky Pigeon). Firstly, was that the more Catholic or Protestant the country, the more cards it sent. You expect the major European countries, but right up near the top was the Philippines! Now for those of you who have never been there, I beg you, go.... I adore all of Asia (with a special love for Vietnam) but if you want to see a race in self-conflict you cannot beat the Philippines. Nothing on earth trumps Catholic guilt and boy, the Filipinos, with their lust for life and smorgasbord of sin, have a tsunami of things to feel guilty about.....and yet Christmas carols start blaring from the radio in September. They send a shedload of cards, several to the same recipient!!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Bits of Blighty that drive me batty..... but I'll miss

Why...

As I waive a fond farewell to my friends, I ponder on some of the idiosyncrasies of this green and pleasant land that I shall miss..... Well firstly it's green because it is constantly watered. The global drizzle that has engulfed the UK over the past few years has had me checking my elbows and knees in the mirror to make sure my joints have not gone rusty. Yes I know that in flaming July in Malta when it is hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants I might miss the grey skies. So in case rose tinted spectacles appear on the bridge of my nose, I have kept a photo on my phone as a reminder. It is of my garden in June last summer when an Olympic diver could have performed a pike with a double twist off my roof and landed on the lake that now covered my flooded lawn and barely touch the grass below, even with an elegantly extended arm.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

THE RESOLUTION IS CARRIED ………

December 31, 2015
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Politics Sport Travel/Nature Work
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Why...

When it comes New Year Resolutions do I have the backbone of a chocolate éclair? Without a shadow of a doubt the worst thing to give up for New Year is anything you enjoy. After spending a few days in a confined space with relatives and noisy kids, I just want to send them to a vivisectionist. I sooooo badly need a cigarette, chocolates, booze or drugs and have zero chance of giving up anything till my blood pressure drops below Defcon5. Maybe February? Shortest month of the year. However next year is leap year and winter might have woken up by then so I will need my creature comforts. Looks like Lent is the time I have a shot at stopping something. Of course if it’s religion I give up I might as well ignore Lent and indulge my way through March and April. I mean you have to have Easter with Chocolate and Spring would be meaningless if you can’t toast it with a chilled Bellini? May and June are times of weddings so not drinking and eating is just plain rude. July and August is holiday time, so unless I have managed a crash diet for a week before, I am not going on holiday to starve. Then it’s Fall. The time of mellow fruitfulness…. It’s shooting season and the sky is raining pheasants and partridge like so much plush toys from Hasbro. Next thing you know it’s Thanksgiving that rolls into Christmas season…so no time for giving up anything. AND THAT’S WHY RESOLUTIONS DON’T WORK. So I will briefly turn my attention to the other quaint pastime of the New Year. Talking balls…as in crystal. Here are my 16 predictions for 2016. POLITICS 1) US Mitt Romney declares and chooses Rubio as Vice President goes on to win Republican Nomination, and then the Presidential election. 2) EUROPE Chancellor Merkel will lose a vote of no confidence and resign. 3) UK As with the No vote in the Scottish referendum, politicians will have badly underestimated the strength of anti EU feeling with a surge in the polls for a ‘No’ or exit vote. ‘Yes’ to stay in EU to squeak home by under 2%. 4) WORLDWIDE Instability breaks out in Saudi Arabia. Iran now seen along with Israel as the only stable market economy with a middle class. Despite huge domestic resistance from leaders, need for historic Israel/Iran meeting inevitable. BUSINESS 5) WORLWIDE News Corp will attempt again to buy out other BSKYB shareholders. In either instance, it will then sell off their own shareholding to sovereign hedge fund. 6) US Companies who had bought power on long term contracts start to suffer badly due to drop in oil price. Oil at $35 per barrel continues to question value of fracking and halts much future exploration. However this fall in the barrel price of oil slowly starts to climb and is seen as the low point of fuel prices for the next 15 years. 7) MONEY Euro declines and gold rises; each by 15% and the world’s largest lottery is won because a child chose the numbers for the mother. SPORT 8) FORMULA ONE Will be bought by a group neither from Europe, Asia nor America. However following the BBC decision to drop it and sell to Channel 4 because of low ratings, the new owners will desperately need to reinvigorate a sport that currently is only useful as a cure to insomnia. 9) OLYMPICS Russia reinstated to take part in the Olympics, only for another country to be expelled. Politics and sport are just two sides of the same coin, especially if it’s an Olympic medal. 10) FOOTBALL FIFA elects President who effectively pardons all those currently involved with bribery allegations. As a result they lose a cornerstone commercial partner. MEDIA 11) US Number of broadcast free to air channels on cable drop by over 15%. Netflix eventually bought out by Google after long fight with Amazon. CNN will become a streamed only news service. 12) OSCARS Delayed broadcast due to security scare. Surprises; Best Picture Spotlight and Best Supporting Actor Sylvester Stallone for Creed. TECHNOLOGY 13) Graphine and its full potential is at last grasped by public and becomes the 2016 buzzword. FASHION 14) Group LMVH (Edun, DKNY, Louis Vuitton, Möet et Chandon, Emilio Pucci, Fendi, Marc Jacobs, Givenchy, Kenzo, Berluti, Loewe, Celine Dior) acquires Hermés. FOOD 15) Failed attempt at poisoning distribution plant of major soft drink supplier. Mad cow disease breaks out again in the UK. NATURE 16) Mount Paektu in North Korea-China erupts, for once taking worldwide media’s attention away from President Kim Jung Un’s own eruptions. Give me my score this time next year. Happy New Year to you all! If you have enjoyed the blog please pass on to friends and if you are just dipping in please subscribe! It’s free and you get a once a week notification. If you use a tablet or phone click on the three black horizontal lines Ξ top right, and the form will appear. Just add any name you like and your email address. On line www.andanothething.com the form is on right, above subscribe. Put in a name and email….. Th-th-that’s all folks!

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The Pre-nag. Conversation’s elegant skewer

Why...

Do we all leave ourselves so wide open to that most deadly of conversation assaults; the pre-nag? The pre-nag is a seemingly innocent question that no matter how you answer, the follow-up will get you. Let me demonstrate. When my wife asks innocently, “Brr, it’s a little chilly. Are you cold?” Whatever I reply, ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘a little bit’, I am screwed as the next line is “Did you leave the garden door open again after taking the dogs out?” This sin of course is something she has clearly already noted. Checkmate. Of course we both know I left the door open. But to prolong the ticking off, it is much more satisfying for my beloved to make me squirm a little first, knowing the initial question is a set up for the killer blow. My life is littered with pre-nags. “Have you heard from Bette-Anne?” When I have forgotten to give her the message that her friend has rung and has clearly rung again, spoken to my wife and told her I had failed to pass on the message. “Have you got your glasses?” when we are in the taxi, she having already picked them up from the table at the restaurant we were eating at: “Have you been recently been on Facebook?” when an old flame has contacted me.

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Duck it; shot happens

Why...

Is Spellcheck watched over by some electronic Mary Poppins? If I search in Google for any number of potentially innocent things such as water sports; adult I am offered an eye-popping smorgasbord of entertainment, many of which have nothing to do with surfboarding, scuba diving or water skiing and are very rude indeed! Yet I am prevented from typing some decent Anglo Saxon swear words in a document without them getting changed or redlined. I can almost hear my iPhone nanny tutting at the vulgarity. The only alternative is to sit with Roger’s Profanisaurus (dictionary of swear words and slang) and insert (ho-ho) every rude word I can think of into to my personal dictionary so I continue to be abusive to my friends…in a language at least they understand!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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All posts in category: Friends

Holiday reading... nah this is not far-fetched enough

Why...

Put that fork down....you racist

Why...

Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

Drip drip drip, my patience is going down the drain......

Why...

Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......

Why...

Beware, Card Shark

Why...

Bits of Blighty that drive me batty..... but I'll miss

Why...

THE RESOLUTION IS CARRIED ………

Why...

The Pre-nag. Conversation’s elegant skewer

Why...

Duck it; shot happens

Why...

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What drives you crazy?

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All posts in category: Friends

Holiday reading... nah this is not far-fetched enough

Why...

Put that fork down....you racist

Why...

Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

Drip drip drip, my patience is going down the drain......

Why...

Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......

Why...

Beware, Card Shark

Why...

Bits of Blighty that drive me batty..... but I'll miss

Why...

THE RESOLUTION IS CARRIED ………

Why...

The Pre-nag. Conversation’s elegant skewer

Why...

Duck it; shot happens

Why...