All posts in category: Animals/Pets

Old Mother Hubbard

September 13, 2018
Animals/Pets Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Life
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Why...

Is my freezer always at bursting point with stuff I will never eat? When I go shopping I seem to buy not only for my wife and I but for the freezer... like it’s an actual person who needs feeding. “Ooooh, lark’s tongues. I’ll put those in the freezer. Yum, anchovy and chocolate mousse. Looks so interesting. I can freeze it.” The result of all this largesse is my fridge is crammed full with stuff that in the cold light of day I don’t want to eat. Conversely, I feel guilty about throwing out food, so this abundance just sits there.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

July 20, 2018
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Work
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Why...

Are stars listed for goods and services that mean utter bullsh*t? Let’s start with the supernova of stars, the seven star hotels in the Gulf. According to the Hotel Star Registry, there is no such thing as a seven star hotel. Well guys, I hate to tell you, the Burg al-Arab boasts them. Hard to miss it. It’s the third highest building in the world. The fact no one challenges this self aggrandising nonsense is a clear example of how the rating system is abused globally. Technically I believe the star rating system was started by the Forbes Travel Guide, formerly Mobil Travel Guide, which launched its star rating system in 1958. The AAA and their affiliated bodies use diamonds instead of stars to express hotel and restaurant ratings levels. However, although many countries have legal requirements for star designation, others do not. This makes a mockery of the whole system. A four star hotel in say London or New York is in a different league to one in some islands in Southern Europe or Africa. To qualify to be five star you need to have shops on hand available to buy essentials. However there is nothing to say a vending machine would meet that requirement... and in some countries they do! In China saunas and spas are not a requirement to get five stars but a room to play cards and mahjong is! In Mongolia I assume you need somewhere to tether your Yak whereas in London it’s an underground car park.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues

June 15, 2018
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Life Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Is the colour of summertime really blue? Well, OK apart from the obvious colour of the sky and the sea. Let’s start with profanity. Yup. The redder the thermometer the bluer the language. It is beyond me how anyone in my youth managed to drive in the heat without air conditioning and not to lob a thermonuclear device into the idiots in front trying to read a road map. Remember those… only men could read them and only women could fold them while doing twenty miles an hour with an indicator that had been blinking for an hour. In London, on the days it gets really hot, a blind person cannot go on the tube. Reason? You cannot transport animals in a temperature over 30c (86f) and the subway regularly reaches 34 (93f). So whilst it was fine to gently poach a commuter, it was illegal for a guide dog to ride the tube! Aircon (again a blue colour) is so critical for comfort. How do London Black Cabs who again have no Aircon, not understand that in the summer they just give ground to Uber?

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♫ I hear somethin' sayin'♪ Yumm, Yumm ♫That's the sound of the men eating in the chain ga-a-ang♪

May 17, 2018
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
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Why...

Does anyone bother to be a chef in some parts of the USA? Last month my wife and I went to visit my son in Florida where he teaches people to become Commercial Airline Pilots. Yup, I know the tallest mountain is Thunder Mountain in Disneyworld and in Daytona Beach where my son is working, there is more culture in a yoghurt but… one night we decided to go out for dinner and tried to find a local restaurant. On one three mile stretch of road we counted 51 different food franchise restaurants and spotted only one real bistro where somebody actually cooked a meal rather than follow the franchise instruction manual. This leads to the ludicrous situation where you ask for the teensiest change in a meal and you are met with a blank look from the waitress; “We cannot possibly hold the tomatoes/not use garlic/add extra turmeric… It would take away from the taste experience we have so carefully crafted.” Translation: “We can’t change anything because none of the people in the kitchen can actually cook anything. We just assemble pre-packed gloop and wouldn’t know turmeric if it came up and bit us in the ass.” The exception of course is anything that can get an allergic reaction (and then a law suit) so nuts are kept in separate radioactive bags only to be added to a dish at the last minute using two-foot-long tongs and industrial grade gloves.

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Food fad for Fido?

December 14, 2017
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink
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Why...

Is my dog expected to be made to eat like he’s sharing a meal with Leonardo Di Caprio and Paul McCartney? Recently I was shopping for Kangaroo chunks or whatever I thought was dog food but the PC brigade have snaffled it. Instead on the doggie food shelf I counted not one, not two, but three different vegetarian options from our favourite dog food manufacturer. Needless to say my dogs took one sniff and gave me the look. “I am a dog. A carnivore. Not some open-toed sandal wearing tree hugger. I pee on a tree, I bite men’s toes in sandals and if you think I fart a lot normally wait till I start eating these mung beans.”

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Zip it, stupid!

Why...

Use the postal service? I know handwritten letters are on the endangered species list along with intelligent British Tory MPs but to me they are still a thing of wonder. We are approaching Christmas (not the Holiday Season, not the Festive Season, Yuletide or any other mealy mouthed watered down in case I offend anyone Holiday) and my wife sends out Christmas cards to all four corners of the globe. I am not so impressed that a series of electronic impulses from my computer in Malta can flash this blog across the planet. But a letter? How, in all that’s holy can anyone read the scribble we write on envelopes. To be able to decipher that is black magic. The ZIP code is of course the key. These are the vital numbers read by a computer that send your letter on its merry way and has helped hugely in the efficiency of the postal service... except in England. In dear Olde England the equivalent of the Zip code (which in USA is only numbers) is called the Post Code. It is usually two letters and one number followed by one number and two letters. NW1 0NE You would therefore think to avoid confusion the Masterminds at the GPO (General Post Office) would never use the letters I and O to avoid confusion with the numbers 1 and 0. Er... No. It is simply staggering how many codes in the UK use one of those four. In fact over 75% of Post Codes on our cards have one of those four letters or digits. And as for my friend who lives in OA1 0IU if you don’t get a card, not my fault. Get the clown who gave you that Post Code to change it. How about FU2 GP0

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Summer’s over… time for a holiday!

September 14, 2017
Animals/Pets Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex
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Why...

Travel in August? The wonderful thing about living somewhere warm, safe and sunny is friends and family need little persuading to come and visit. The problem about living somewhere warm, safe and sunny is friends and family need little persuading to come and visit. The revolving turnstile of visitors each bring dietary and booze requirements, want sightseeing tours, shopping trips to craft villages and go to our favourite restaurants. These all need to be methodically ticked off again and again and again. I think I know word for word the excellent film about Malta called the Malta Experience and verbatim the menu at Cent’ Anni in Għargħur. Our French Bulldog Clouseau suggested to me that dog friendly revelers are always put in the same seats at the dinner table to short cut the two days for him working out who will sneak him a snack at the table, who is a messy eater and drops tidbits on the floor and who will greet his inquiring snout with a smack. As for accessories we are as good as Circuit City with a collection of chargers that fit every phone and computer as well as plug adaptors that can run a hairdryer from Hungary to a make-up mirror from Macau.

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When will we ever learn...

July 13, 2017
Animals/Pets Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Is it a surprise if, four hours after ending the evening with Vodka shots and jelly babies, I have a hangover you could land a Jumbo Jet on? The one saving grace about over indulgence on holiday is you can skulk about in a dark room till midday… when even hangovers that make your hair hurt begins to subside. But it seems there is a moment on every vacation when even perfectly sane people have some sort of synapse malfunction and revert to being teenagers. My saintly in-laws last year suddenly realised they had never jumped fully clothed into a pool and to their immediate left stood such an inviting one.... splash!

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Listen to Einstein. May I present the all in one shredder, vacuum cleaner and sprinkler system...

Why...

Do we do not listen to Uncle Albert. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and to expect different results". Why do I think every puppy will be different? We have a new French bulldog (Clouseau). His capacity to munch his way through anything made from rubber to industrial grade titanium is remarkable. Today he managed to eat a handful of coffee beans, a mobile phone, a tax return and then chew up an entire ream of paper (500 pages). Obviously he did not consume the lot, but rather like a fox in a henhouse, managed to damage each page enough so it could no longer go in the printer, whilst actually only ingesting two sheets. He has developed a taste for the left ear of one of his elder brother pugs and my right leg is sexier than Beyoncé with a bark. He has an uncanny knack of knowing when I have just fallen asleep so his nip to a big toe wakes me up. I get mad, he looks at me with those big cow eyes.....then pees in a slipper. I have no doubt he would relish anthrax on toast and he still cannot understand why I stopped him chewing on a snail as if it was a gobstopper........ Groundhog Day. It happens every time we get a puppy. It should be no surprise....

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I'm a monkey...with hooves. My wife however is a dragon with a scorpion’s sting

Why...

Do we think we can divide the characteristics of the entire population into 12? I have at least 12 alter egos of my own, continuously morphing Mr. Men-like with special emphasis on Mr. Greedy, Mr. Grumpy, Mr. Arrogant, Mr. Silly, Mr. Self Delusional and Mr. Hangover. My wife no doubt thinks I'm Mr. Right and I know she is Mrs. Always Right. One thing people are not, however, is consistent.... unless it's being gullible. We all glance at the Horoscopes in newspapers (70 million a day in the USA). Daily horoscopes were a relatively late invention starting in the UK in 1930 and at the time widely criticised by 'true' astrologers as being inaccurate! Oh come on! Many columnists aren't even astrologers and are given a book by their Editor and told to get writing 12 columns a day. And have you ever noticed that no astrologer seems to go on holiday.... ever! Regular as clockwork 365 days a year the newspaper stargazer advises me (Sagittarius) that on one day I should "go with the flow" and then the next "seize the opportunity". My wife is warned because she is a Scorpio, she is possessive. I just tell her not to worry. The Marquis de Sade, Hilary Clinton and Marie Antoinette were all Scorpio.

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I have seen the future…my dog.

Why...

Can my dog Cato teach me about old age, certainly better than most people? My oldest dog is now 13½ (94 in dog years) and is showing traits and remarkable similarities to an older grumpier me. We both need to go for a pee in the middle of the night, are not fans of rap music, enjoy a long crap, doze in front of the TV and snore at night with intermittent gas leaks. We prefer our food cut into smaller portions, become remarkably deaf when nagged by my wife. However hearing is perfect if Cato hears a tin of Kanga Chunks being opened from 100 metres and a a faint cat’s meow on a TV show. For me it’s the pop of a cork out of a bottle or someone opening a packet of Malteasers. With this advanced age you would hope he has gained knowledge from experience, as I hope at least I have. However pugs have a brain the size of a satsuma so he still believes the vacuum cleaner is Satan’s willy and to be savagely bitten; the ping made by the Apple TV remote is The Archangel’s call for him to bark. One of our greatest pleasures is to go for a walk….or rather I and his much younger brother Notty go for a walk whilst he sits imperiously in his dog pram. Does this mean I am also heading for a 'bath chair' in my dotage? Now before you all blink in disbelief at such a thing go look on Google as to how many different dog pram manufacturers there are let alone models. Believe me the guy who came out with the first one is sitting on a beach somewhere clutching a drink with an umbrella in it, a toy boy or toy girl at his or her side and the day’s biggest problem is whether to have cracked crab or lobster for lunch. What we both are especially fond of is going for a drive and spending the week-end at some country hotel. However not all welcome pooches. There needs to be a Michelin Guide for pet friendly hotels and inns. “OK Mark let me have a look... heated dog basket, choice of bottled waters to drink from, bones in the mini bar and a rub down in the health spa by a French Poodle. Book it.”

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Love thy neighbour... but only after you have moved

Why...

Are neighbours the source of so much pain? I understand that one in five people have disputes with their neighbour. What surprises me is one in five don't murder them! What is it about living in close proximity that brings out character traits that would test a saint! I once had a neighbour who clamped my car while parked on the tarmac strip in front of my own garage! Apart from wanting to recommend him to a vivisectionist, I was at a loss at why a perfectly rational human being could morph into a manic traffic warden with nothing better to do than skulk behind twitching nett curtains on the look out for unwanted visitors. Sill, forgive and remember is my motto. Next he objected to lights on the driveway that came on when I reversed out as the bulbs 'invaded his personal space'. The fact I was trying to avoid turning one of his offspring into a fajita was irrelevant! The feuding and snipping went on until he went bust and had to move. I cried for days... with tears of joy! Once I lived next to a pub with a garden that bordered with my own. I only left the landlord a note of complaint once. Dear Landlord, I wonder if you could ask your customers to smoke their cigarettes down to the butt before flicking them into my garden. The dogs tend to try and smoke half used ones and I am trying to get them to quit. Never had another problem. And got a case of beer as an apology!

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Lassie, come quick. It's a new season of Bones......

Why...

Do we try and shove onto pets our own 21th Century problems and psychosis? A successful Cable Operator friend rang me a few years ago. "I just had two guys in here trying to sell me a dog channel.What do you think?" "You mean endless adventures of Rin Tin Tin, Crufts Dog show marathons and movies like Old Yeller, Beethoven, or Best in Breed?" I queried. " No, " my Polish friend replied "Not a channel about dogs.....for dogs. You turn it on for them when you leave the house. Apparently has colours and images they like." My.... how we laughed at, without question, the dumbest idea we had heard in years..... Those two guys are now multi-millionaires with the channel a huge hit in various Metropolis....and I'm still just a penny-less fool with a sense of humour. You got it. Guilt ridden couples who go out for a night on the town who used to leave on any old channel for the doggie, now select this channel and add it as to the pay line-up on their monthly bill!!! I love my dogs but I promise you they are that aware or bothered by what's actually on TV so long as it doesn't meow. The idea they would care what I left on for them is as fanciful as a warm greeting from a Border Control official.

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Ear ye, ear ye....

August 4, 2016
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Kids/Family/Relations Sex
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Why...

Does the humble ear only get credited as being one of the six senses. It is so much more... Sex. No, I'm not talking sound here. Please watch the delightful French movie The Untouchables about the millionaire paraplegic Philippe and his driver/manservant, Driss. It's a wonderful movie despite its backdrop of the ashes of living after such a disabling accident. It is in fact an utter affirmation of the joys of life. In it, the fondling and rubbing of Philippe's earlobes is his only sensory pleasure and to him on a par with sex! So the ear is also a sexual organ.

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Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......

June 23, 2016
Animals/Pets Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Does the shower hold more horrors than a Michael Moore documentary? The flat where I am currently staying requires the delicacy of a safe cracker to prevent me turning the faucet mixer so either I freeze or boil. Acceptable temperature is a gap of about two millimeters. Equally dangerous is the curtain. It's so close that it continually billows against me trying to wrap me up like a sushi roll. I have already mentioned the lunacy of hotel sized shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and mouthwash; all being in small little bottles that you need to wear glasses in the shower to read, (My Eyebrows are Silky Soft and my Hair Smells of Listerine. Headings Health and beauty. April 16, 2015) but caps and tops in general are a nightmare. May I suggest the following letter to Proctor and Johnson

Dear Mr./Mrs. Shower Gel/ hair treatment manufacturer,

Perhaps one of your researchers/designers/marketing people might like to join me in my next shower?

When I use your product, guess what? My hands are soapy. So a round little top that I need to unscrew (especially if it has a top that is shiny silver) just slithers in my hand like a fish. It's quite possibly the most useless invention since the Parisian taxi driver's manual for good manners.

Actually I don't want anything that even has a top; be it unscrewable, twistable, pop-able .....Any top in a shower is superfluous to my bathing requirements. With nowhere to put it, I end up holding it in my teeth. Then it drops onto the ground. Next I step on it, swear loudly as it breaks as I can never reseal the damn bottle. Flip top only is my strong advice.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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All posts in category: Animals/Pets

Old Mother Hubbard

Why...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

Why...

There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues

Why...

♫ I hear somethin' sayin'♪ Yumm, Yumm ♫That's the sound of the men eating in the chain ga-a-ang♪

Why...

Food fad for Fido?

Why...

Zip it, stupid!

Why...

Summer’s over… time for a holiday!

Why...

When will we ever learn...

Why...

Listen to Einstein. May I present the all in one shredder, vacuum cleaner and sprinkler system...

Why...

I'm a monkey...with hooves. My wife however is a dragon with a scorpion’s sting

Why...

I have seen the future…my dog.

Why...

Love thy neighbour... but only after you have moved

Why...

Lassie, come quick. It's a new season of Bones......

Why...

Ear ye, ear ye....

Why...

Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......

Why...

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What drives you crazy?

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All posts in category: Animals/Pets

Old Mother Hubbard

Why...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

Why...

There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues

Why...

♫ I hear somethin' sayin'♪ Yumm, Yumm ♫That's the sound of the men eating in the chain ga-a-ang♪

Why...

Food fad for Fido?

Why...

Zip it, stupid!

Why...

Summer’s over… time for a holiday!

Why...

When will we ever learn...

Why...

Listen to Einstein. May I present the all in one shredder, vacuum cleaner and sprinkler system...

Why...

I'm a monkey...with hooves. My wife however is a dragon with a scorpion’s sting

Why...

I have seen the future…my dog.

Why...

Love thy neighbour... but only after you have moved

Why...

Lassie, come quick. It's a new season of Bones......

Why...

Ear ye, ear ye....

Why...

Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......

Why...